Temple Covenants, Church Callings, and Pregnancy Problems

Right about the time we moved into our home my parents separated. This was hard as they had been married 38 years. I'm sure it was harder on my older siblings, but still it was hard. Being the youngest I wondered often if they had stayed together because of me. I know now that this is not the case. Sometimes divorce happens. I tell you this because the final catalyst in me finally agreeing to prepare to go through the LDS Temple, take out my endowments, and be sealed to my husband and our children wasn't his family and their constant pushing, but my parents marriage coming to an end. No I don't blame them, it was just how things panned out. I wanted to prove, in some warped way, that my marriage was strong than it appeared. So we started attending church and paying our tithing.

I believe I mentioned in my previous post, Beware the Mother-in-law, that we were now living in the ward of my husband's other grandma. Unlike his sweet little Danish grandma who was just happy to see us on Sunday whether at church or at her home, this grandma came to our home after church wanting to know why we weren't at church if we happened to miss a day. Nothing like your own Mormanity Monitor.  This bugged me and I admit I went to church at first just to keep her off my back. Then we received callings. He was called to be a counselor in the Young Men's Presidency and as Assistant Scout Master (this would later lead to Scout Master). I was called as the Primary President. I will say this about callings, if you have new members in your ward do not place them in callings where they are not able to interact with the bulk of the ward. Being in our own little corner for Primary felt like we were a world away from everyone. I had no clue how to interact with the other adults since I was in Primary. But I did learn a lot about the parents and what went on at home. Anyways, for some reason I decided the best way to deal with the nosy grandma was to make her my secretary in Primary. Well the bishop decided that she needed to be a counselor instead. Not quite what I had in mind, but oh well. She lasted about 3 months and asked to be released.

Now during this time we were paying our tithing diligently and struggling to make ends meet. When the new year started I decided I would become a Tupperware Lady. I did a decent job of it. Once people realized I was willing to travel out of my area for parties I had other saleswomen offering me party requests for 2-3 hours away. I was meeting lots of people and having a blast. I started making a fair amount of money too. I made enough that my husband could quit his second job completely. Then came the month I netted nearly the same dollar amount as he made. Let's just say all was not well in our home. It was then that he started to complain about how much time I spent away from home (2 nights a week and part of Saturday). I was enjoying myself and had signed up a couple of new recruits. This is when it all went downhill.

Over the course of "wifely duty" I found I was expecting my third child. I hate to say it, but I was not happy. I had horrible morning sickness that lasted all day long. It was a struggle to fix something as basic as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I was angry. Evidently he announced in priesthood one Sunday that we were expecting. So here I had people I still barely knew congratulating me. About this time the bishop decided to congratulate me and was informed that this baby was neither planned or something I was happy about. He told me that the way to prevent it was to abstain, but that it violated spousal duties to do so. I was livid and informed him quite loudly and right outside the Relief Society room that I was not discussing my sex life with a man who obviously doesn't know how to keep it in his pants.

A few days later my feelings about my pregnancy changed rapidly. I started cramping and spotting. We went to the ER and I was put on bed rest for 2 weeks. We were told that it didn't look like I'd lose the baby but I needed to take it easy. At this point the definition of bed rest for my husband was to not do anything too difficult like mow the lawn, but taking care of the kids was ok. Oh, and I needed to quit my Tupperware business immediately. I told him I'd schedule book parties through the pregnancy but I refused to give it up completely.

Once I was off bed rest it was back to church. That first Sunday back I was summoned to the bishop's office. I walked in to find my husband already there. Seems my husband was being promoted to Scout Master and they had decided that the time it took for me to do my duties as Primary President took too much away from the family, so I was going to be released soon. I asked why I had even been invited to participate in this pow-wow if they had already decided everything without me. The bishop looked at me and said it was actually because my husband was concerned that I had become uninterested with maintaining the family home and my other wifely duties. WTF!!!! I had just gotten off bed rest during which I still prepared meals, washed dishes, took care of laundry, and cleaned the house. I had asked him to vacuum and help occasionally with dished on the weekend. I was in no condition to be doing everything I was, but I was found lacking. I informed the bishop to release me that same day as I would not continue in the calling after Primary ended that day. I walked back and told my counselors and secretary that I was being released that day but didn't explain anything else.

It was about this time my dad had a cardiovascular event. Not quite a heart attack but an issue severe enough 911 was called and within 48 hours he was in surgery for a quadruple bypass. This happened on Father's Day 1996. I remember it well because I was upset  he had recently gotten engaged and because of how I felt I did not visit him nor call him for Father's Day. Not one of my better moments. My soon-to-be step-mom stayed by my dad's side through it all. And I apologized for my actions.

It was at the end of June that I was called as the YW secretary. This was a calling I thoroughly enjoyed. I loved hanging out with the teenage girls. They were a delight to be around.  Because we were both in callings with the Youth it meant our activity nights always seemed to lead to an argument over which of us would keep the kids. Grandma didn't want to help so we had to take the girls every week. We often split the girls with me taking the oldest and him taking the next oldest.

For some reason he planned scout camp right around July 24th. He would have to take our only vehicle which meant I would not be spending the holiday with any of my family. I'd be at home with the kids. Thankfully our ward decided to throw a BBQ for all those who had no where to go. And as luck would have it, the husband came home early to surprise me and planned to go up the next day for a few hours to help them pack up and come home. I was glad because I really didn't feel well. By the next evening it was obvious I was sick. One of the men in the ward stopped by to see my husband, who still wasn't home, and saw how sick I looked. He asked me to let him take the girls down to his house where his wife and youngest daughter. I really didn't care what he did, I just wanted to sleep. So he figured out what was needed on his own and walked with my kids down the street to his house. He then went in search of my husband. When he found him he informed him that I needed to to to the ER right away. My husband apparently told him he'd head home once he was done. This amazing man "helped" my husband come home and take me to the ER. I spent 5 days in the hospital with pyelonephritis (fancy term for a kidney infection). The only upside to all this was the uninterrupted hours of watching the Olympics. The downside, well a big one that came out many years later, is that this is when Lupus was triggered.

After a few days in the hospital, I came home to a house that looked like WWIII had happened and we lost. It was a disaster. So bad that my sister came to clean and I was totally ashamed. I asked her a while back to quite bringing this up because I had no control over the situation at the time. After my house was clean I got to where I would drive to one of my sisters homes for the day. Or I would spend a few hours at a friends house. This is all in the attempt to keep my house cleaner. I figured if I wasn't at home then my house wouldn't get dirty.

Needless to say I was quite depressed but unwilling to tell anyone. Then one day at a friend's house I noticed I was spotting again. This scared me. I had a doctor's appointment the next day so I just waited. I told my midwife and she ordered me to a modified bed rest (modified because I told her there was no way my husband would accept me being on full bedrest). I had to lie down for at least 4 hours every day...preferably in the afternoon and no going anywhere without another adult with me. I did not mention that we were about to go through the temple, but in retrospect I should have.

The day came that we were going to take out our endowments and be sealed. It started off with our water heater breaking and us all bathing in cold water. Our escorts were late by 45 min. And there aren't "brides dresses" for pregnant women. It was a very long day. The initiatory was odd and very offensive. The endowment was not spiritual at all for me. I just wanted to get it over with as this was just some bizarre ritualistic stuff that did not seem to be in line with anything of God. Then came the sealing ceremony. We had to wait nearly an hour because the Mother-in-law went to the wrong temple. And evidently the temple workers did not appreciate me saying we could do it without her there. Again it felt very ritualistic and odd, but I did feel more at peace with it. Then our kids were brought in to be seal to us and the oldest decided that right that moment was the perfect time to throw a temper tantrum. I wanted to cry...and think I may have. The sealer was quick and performed the ordinance. What I couldn't get out of my head was the fact that everything I covenanted to was first to my husband and then to God...yet he didn't have to covenant to me and then God.

Everyone told me you gain more understanding the more you attend the temple. I'm not sure what understanding was to be gained, but I did get to where I knew the right words to say at the right time. And there was definitely a certain peace to be away from the outside world. But that day I left the temple feeling like I'd just sold my soul to the devil. Not a good thing. And there was no one I could tell how I felt. When I tried to say something I was told that it would change if I attended frequently. Needless to say I've never been a frequent temple attendee.

Now there are a lot of things that go on inside the temple. I made a promise to God I would not discuss them openly and I chose to keep that promise. There are lots of questions and suppositions about what happens in the temple. While I may have chosen to remove my garments (a prayerful decision made with God) I still am willing to uphold the promise to keep the nitty gritty details to myself unless speaking with one who has also had this experience. Not once have I ever felt blessed for having a temple marriage. I've never felt more confined and controlled by others. I fully understand that many feel blessed and had beautiful experiences within the temple, but it all just seemed a little too odd for my taste.

We made it to the temple one more time before our 3rd daughter came along. The evening at the temple was followed by preterm labor and a few more months of bed rest. This time with the admonition from the doctors to my husband that zero spousal duties were to be entertained by me. If he wanted a healthy wife and healthy child he'd have to make sure I stayed in bed and let this little one stay put. With help from family and our ward the little angel made her appearance 2 days past her due date.