I was not surprised by the attitudes, but my husband was. He could not understand how member of the church could be so callous. We went for a couple more weeks and he said he'd rather not go if we were going to be ignored and treated as non-entities. He was truly hurt and had his faith a little rattled. I just dealt with it and moved on.
A short time later we found out we were expecting our second child. Delighted to know another child was on the way, we began to make what preparations we could. In the midst of this I suddenly had a call from my visiting teachers. They became the only contact we had with the ward. They made sure I knew about every homemaking night and even picked me and my daughter up a couple of times to attend because my husband was working two jobs *so I could stay at home) and we only had one car. I was grateful for their efforts. When my child was born they visited me at the hospital and let me know that dinners had been arranged for the next week. People I didn't even know showed up with some amazing food. My visiting teachers came over to help clean my apartment for a couple of weeks. And 8 weeks later as we packed up and moved out, they came and helped us pack up. It was the only good experience we had within the ward. Whenever I would attempt to attend church I continues to be treated poorly because I lived in an apartment.
We lived with my in-laws for a few months while waiting to purchase a home. Now, if your in-laws like you, particularly your mother-in-law, I've heard this can be a great bonding experience. It wasn't so for me. I turned into the maid. I fixed nearly all meals for a family of not just 3 *since the baby was still to little for regular food) but a family of 10. Often there were complaints about my cooking because I made food differently than my mother-in-law. In lieu of rent we bought groceries for the household. I think it would've been cheaper to pay rent. We had no privacy. Yes we had two rooms in the basement allotted to us, but that didn't mean privacy. More than once a family member would randomly stroll into our room in the wee hours of morning and find us in a compromising position. It was embarrassing and led to his mom telling me that I need to be more respectful of the fact there are teenagers in the house. Then came the his older sister who had two kids of her own. She would randomly drop by, sometimes multiple times in a day, with her kids and tell her son to go to Aunt Shan's room to watch a movie. Now this is all fine and dandy if I'm asked, but that didn't seem to be a consideration she was willing to make. More than once I found him in my kids room waking them up from naps. One time she sent him in there while we were gone and I found my freshly laundered and stacked clothing scattered across the floor with peanut butter and jam rubbed all over the place...including on my TV. I was livid. My husband told me he would talk to his mom and sister and I was not to say a word. Well he didn't and the issues continued. Then the baby got sick. She spent an entire night up crying in pain. The next day one of his younger sisters informed me that I needed to learn how to keep my brat quiet at night. Exhausted and having not slept in over 36 hours and with my mother-in-law backing up her daughter I snapped. I call her a spoiled little shit and slapped her across the face. I think they were shocked. I then turned to my mother-in-law and told her under no uncertain terms was my stuff to be touched by ANYONE other than me or my husband. I walked downstairs, holding a sobbing baby, packed up a bunch of clothes for me and my daughters, loaded it all up and drove to my mom's house. I called my husband at work (he worked for his dad) and told him to call his second job and tell them he was without a car for a few days. I then told him I would be at my mom's until I could find someplace else to live. I was done.
Needless to say, my husband heard a different side of the story from his mom and sister. It was the first time I fully stood my ground against his family and it would not be the last. His oldest sister came to my mom's house to ask what had happened and I told her. I also told her that her treating my space as a babysitter for her son was disrespectful. She was upset but asked why I hadn't said something sooner. I told her I didn't on the counsel of my husband. She apologized and asked what she could do to help me out. She went and packed up our rooms for me so I didn't have to go back. She babysat while I hunted for a place to live. And then she babysat the day we moved.
This outburst just added to their feeling that I was entirely unsuitable for their precious son. Now, in their defense, they had a different dream for him and me ending up pregnant with his child not long after graduation and us not rushing to the alter certainly didn't win me any favors. Now that I have adult children I can see it from their perspective, which is why I've fought hard to just love and support my children. Last year I even broke my word that I would not pay for a wedding unless my daughters had a viable college degree by paying for my oldest to get married while she was still in college and had another 3 semesters to go. And for the record, I adore my son-in-law. He is the most amazing young man and I couldn't pick anyone better than him for my daughter.
A week or two after these events my mother-in-law stopped by to see her grandchildren. She apologized but I was hesitant to accept it. To keep the piece I did so and we agreed to try harder to work together for the sake of our respective relationships with her son. Years later I found out this was all play-acting on her part and the part of most of his family. But that's another story.
23 months into the marriage we finally closed on a house and became home owners. I was very depressed and unhappy. I didn't feel like I had anyone to talk to because I when I did say something my family told me to suck it up because I chose to marry him. What I was truly looking for was someone to tell me to leave him. I really felt I needed permission.
The new ward was much nicer and once again we were in a ward with one of his grandma's. Only this is the grandma who would randomly stop by and let me know when the cleanliness of my house didn't meet her standards. And it was never going to meet her standards I soon came to find out. I was told to tread lightly with this particular grandma because she has a "black list" and if you make her mad you are on her list. One day, not sure what exactly I said or did, she stated she was very angry with me. I looked at her and told her that it was her job to deal with her emotions and not blame me for them. I held my ground and she actually respected me for it. I even told her she could put me on her black list and I really didn't care. I had enough family to love me that her ignoring me would only mean I never brought my kids to see her. But I guess divorcing her grandson was a good enough reason to black list me...and my kids have barely seen her in the years since.
During these months I learned a lot about myself and that I wasn't a very good wife. I was too opinionated and wanted to speak my mind without my husband's permission. However, I was told repeatedly by the in-laws that I needed to defer to him in all matters. This was a hard lesson and seldom did it ever work out favorably. The next 8+ years will show how this slowly spiraled out of control and led to the end of my marriage and my the beginning to the journey to fine out who Shandra really is.
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