Just over 4 years ago I remarried. My husband is a wonderful and supportive man. He's been a support of the Ordain Women movement. He has always shown kindness and respect for people regardless of race, religion, nationality, ability, and/or gender. To have him as a step parent to my children, especially my two youngest has been a blessing.
Dan was raised with divorced parents so he gets the whole step parent gig from the viewpoint of the child. He has always known how to react to the snotty comments and rolled with the punches. Plus he has never tried to usurp their father's roll. Because of various reasons that I'll get into in another post, he is less than thrilled with my ex, but he still treats him respectfully when it matters.
Why do I tell you all of this with the title being "Temple Divorce"? Well it's to give you a little bit of a picture of the man I once planned to marry in the temple. That's right...planned. It is no longer the plan. "Why?" you may ask. I firmly believe it's because of the unfairness that is inherent with the whole system of canceling a sealing.
In 1996 I was sealed to my ex-husband and our two oldest were sealed to us. Having done this, my two youngest are born in the covenant or BIC. At one time this was a huge deal for me. Then a good friend lost her child in an accident. This friend is not sealed to her children. It made me question the whole being together in the next life thing that the LDS Church expounds upon. That we can only be a family if we all adhere strictly to the rules that the church has laid out for us. But if we don't then we are going to be split up between degrees of glory. I can't see a loving God tearing apart families because we are imperfect. And I couldn't fathom that my friend wouldn't be able to be reunited in the hereafter with her child. I just does not compute.
Even as I was questioning this I still had the desire to be sealed to Dan. I met with my bishop and asked what steps needed to be taken to have my previous sealing cancelled. I had to fill out a form and write a letter to the First Presidency. Then I was to give those to the bishop and he would add his own thoughts if necessary and pass it on to the Stake President. Once the Stake President received it, he would review it and call me in to discuss the request before sending it off to the First Presidency for a final decision. He would also request a letter of permission from my ex-husband for me to be sealed to another man.
So I diligently filled out the paperwork and struggled through a letter. I turned over the whole shebang to my Bishop and waited. Nothing happened. I waited a few weeks and heard nothing. So I went back to my bishop and he had lost the paperwork. So I filled it out again and wrote yet another letter. I turned it all in and waited. Then our bishop was released and a new bishop put into place. A few months had gone by and I still had heard nothing. So I made an appointment with the bishop and found out he knew nothing about it (which didn't really surprise me). But he said he would ask the Stake President about it on my behalf. The news I received back had me fuming...the paperwork was never received.
At this point we had been married 2 1/2 years. So we decided we'd try for our 3rd anniversary to be sealed. Once again I filled out the paperwork. And I wrote yet another letter. Each letter was difficult, but this one more-so because communication between my ex and myself had completely disappeared. So I had no clue if he would respond favorably or not. I was rather frustrated with the whole process at this point. After I gave the bishop the paperwork he met with me and let me know he had forwarded to the Stake President. He recommended my husband and I attend the temple weekly and perform sealings. So we started to do so. At this point we were about 2 months away from our 3rd anniversary. The day grew closer and closer. Then it came and went. No word from the Stake President. I was so angry. How could this keep getting blown off?
I finally asked the bishop if he was certain the paperwork was given to the stake president. He stated that he delivered it himself to the Stake Executive Secretary. Now this is a man I do not know. The bishop provided me with his number and I went home and called him. I stated that I was waiting for an appointment with the Stake President because I was requesting to have my first sealing cancelled. He said he'd check with the Stake President and get back to me. Not too many weeks later it was Stake Conference. Finally the perfect chance to talk to the Stake President about canceling my sealing. Speaking with him was an exercise in futility. He told me to get the paperwork from my bishop, fill it out, write a letter, give it back to my bishop, and then my bishop would forward it on to him. I told him all that had already happened. He looked at me and stated he had received no such paperwork and to go back to my bishop.
At this point we were waist deep in wedding preparations for my oldest daughter. I didn't have the energy to deal with this sealing Something that should have been a slam dunk (he's a registered sex offender) had turned into a comedy of errors. And I was fed up with it. I looked at my husband and told him that I had the feeling God was out to destroy us. There were a lot of tears. It was at this point that I first looked at the website for Community of Christ.
I knew there had to be a better way. Why is my willingness to be with Dan for time and eternity being put into jeopardy by a bunch of men? Why must I have to get all of this permission just to be "properly married" according to LDS Standards? I was so unfair. Yet if my ex wants to marry another woman in the temple he doesn't require permission from me. He can marry a hundred women in the temple and it's all good.
I told my husband that I was not going to fill out the paperwork again. He seemed rather hurt. I told him I was committed to him for eternity and there was no was God was honestly going to deny me forever with him. Warmth filled my whole being and I knew that God approved. So if he approved what did I need some man created ordinance for?
People still ask when we are going to be sealed. I tell them we aren't because we don't believe it is necessary. God won't tear us apart because we have covenanted to each other to be together for all eternity. And because God is good I have faith it will happen.
For those of you trying to obtain a temple divorce, you have my prayers. For some I know it is a desire and a hope. I want you to find your happiness. My own child is embarking on her own journey to go to the temple and I'm thrilled for her. She understands I won't be there inside the temple, but if I can get to where she goes through then I'll be excitedly waiting outside for her.
As for me...well I know that when I resign my membership it will cancel my sealing. I still feel that my children are mine for an eternity and have no regrets. It's my own witness from God that tells me this although I know many who will disagree.
If the men who were involved in this failure to submit paperwork and follow through properly read this blog, please know I understand you are human. I feel that this was part of a greater plan. I am happy with my choice.
If someone higher up in the LDS Church reads this, It's time to change the way you approach this. It's time to take so many people out of the process and streamline it. The more people who handle it the more likely it is for someone to lose something. Let those who desire a temple divorce write directly to the First Presidency. Make it fair for both men and women. Either let women marry a new husband in the temple without a temple divorce or force men to obtain a temple divorce before marrying a new wife. It's time to level the playing field.
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