The last couple of months I have taken a step back from writing to focus on my next step spiritually. My husband and I received our letters confirming the removal of our names from the membership roles of the LDS Church. I expected to feel elated, but I felt just the opposite. I had the thought that someone outside of my dad would fight for me to stay in the church. My oldest daughter and son-in-law have been supportive and I'm sure they were fighting quietly for me to make the best choice for me. We heard nothing from our bishopric or other leaders within our ward/stake. At the beginning of December I ran into my old stake president and his wife. It was obvious from his demeanor that he was aware we had left the church, but he was sincere and asked if I am happier now. I was able to tell him yes and know that I truly mean it. He and his wife asked about my children and how they are all doing and I asked after his children. It was just a meeting of friends. It felt odd to me, but then again, any time I run into an old ward member who is aware I've left it seems a little stilted.
I had to take some time to mourn the life I had left. It almost felt too easy. But then again, 23 years of being treated as less than was extremely difficult. Not that all of those years felt that way. Just more of them than I should have spent my energies on. It was truly like an abusive relationship in many ways. I kept feeling like I needed to try harder and change to be loved when in reality I am who God made me to be. Divine love does not require us to meet a checklist to be accepted. We only need believe in the Divine.
I was finally able to touch base with my dad and let him know I had officially left the church and explain what "officially" meant. He was shocked. I told him about joining Community of Christ and my impending baptism and confirmation. He was not happy and I don't blame him. It is hard to accept your child is going down an extremely different path than the one you laid out for them. There has been little communication since then. Partly on me and partly on him. I know he is hurt and I can't bear hurting him further. And I don't presume to understand his full feelings on this. I love him and at some point we will connect again. I just don't know when that will be.
On December 26th my husband and I entered the waters of baptism with few family members in attendance, but many friends (most from our new community) were there. Even some of our friends and family who are staunch believers in the LDS Church were there to support us. We were both baptized by a female priesthood holder, our pastor's wife and an Elder in the church. Then we were confirmed by female priesthood holders. It was a beautiful day. I was pleased to have my mom and three of my children in attendance. I wish my husband's family was more supportive, but they are more staunch than my family. And his years of searching have not been met with much kindness.
That evening we had the chance to have dinner with all of my children, including my son whom we'd not seen nor spoken with since his older sister's wedding the year before. It was a joy to have that time with him and hopefully it's the start to a bridge being rebuilt. If that's all I get is a once a year contact though, I will be happy to have just that. I want this to happen on his terms, not mine.
Then just as the new year dawned my oldest daughter let me know that her and her husband had set a date to be sealed in the temple. As they live out of state, I knew I would not be able to be there when they came out of the temple. I am truly happy for them on this step of their own faith journey. It was hard not to be there to see her as she stepped out of the temple. In some ways I'm glad I wasn't. Now this isn't to slight her or her husband. I just didn't want my struggle with coming to terms with my own emotions regarding the LDS Church to color their special day in any way. This was about them and me not being present is the best gift I could have given them (outside of still being a worthy temple recomend holder and being there with them in the temple).
Most will think that my next step has already been taken, and in a way it has been. But not entirely. The wheels are in motion and that next step is to more fully embrace my new community and learn all I can. It's time to learn the history that has been covered up for most of my lifetime and learn the truths that have been hidden away and not approved by church leaders. It's time to read books I never imagined reading and to delve into why I've always struggled to read the Book of Mormon as a historically accurate tome when I have felt for so long that the historicity is just not there. I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. And while the disollusionment towards the LDS Church is still there it is no longer the main focus of my spiritual life. And for that I am thankful.
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