Road Work Ahead

I've spent the last week or so reading various stories of those who've left the LDS Church behind. Some might refer to it as Anti-Mormon. What I can tell you is these stories sparked anew the frustrations I've held near for so many years. Just when I think I've moved past certain issues, such as scripture being used as a weapon to harm someone, I realize that I am only beyond it to a point. I'm still in a recovery stage.

I have had to look at this recovery stage in a different light. 4 years ago I had major, life changing surgery. Still newly married and my husband and oldest daughter watched as I was wheeled back to surgery and they waited. It took much longer than anticipated. I struggled to respond to the pain meds. I asked my dad, who holds the office of high priest in the LDS Church, for a Father's blessing. I knew that it would calm my mind and it did. Now you might say that this is proof of the truth to the LDS Church. I say it's proof that belief in a heartfelt prayer can work wonders. Anyways, I was able to return home a day earlier than planned. I tried to take it easy but feeling much better than I had in months I was prone to overdoing it and would wind up back in bed for two or three days. It was very frustrating, but it was necessary for healing. 

So it is with this journey. I know there will be setback. I know some days I'll read something one of my LDS friends shares on Facebook and it'll bother me. It's a processing of healing and stretching out into this new person of faith who I am becoming. It's willing to accept the pushback from friends and family when they don't like what I say instead of becoming defensive and attacking them personally. 

Some days I think leaving such a faith structure as the LDS Church requires a 12-step program. Where you attend meetings and say things like, "Hi, my name is Shandra. I'm an apostate." Where you reach goals and have to account for what you did when you practiced said faith. I think the making amends part would be extra difficult. If this bothers anyone please know I'm not taking 12-step programs lightly. Leaving ones faith structure is hard. I tried before and failed because it was the norm for me. I said and did things which hurt others because it kept me in good standing and worthy. I used my faith as a weapon rather than letting my faith effect change within me. If only I could go back 20 years and walk away from it when I first really wanted to do so. If only to save myself from years of hurt and frustration. But I can't go back so I must walk this road of recovery. 

I am keeping my head lifted high. I haven't just found a new spiritual home but a new community in which I find joy, laughter, and peace. I've found friends who have become family. It's a delight to see my 6'3" husband have to physically look up to other members of the congregation. It's participating in girls nights, book club, potlucks, and other hooplas. And, best of all, it's watching my two youngest bloom and grow as they find their own faith, love, and acceptance in the divine. 

Some posts may still come across as angry or hateful, but I've chosen to make this journey public so other know that they are not alone. That there is a 40-something year old woman, born and raised in the Salt Lake Valley, who gets it. Who understands that sometimes the LDS Church just doesn't fit the person the Divine knows you to be.