Finding Acceptance

It was about 6 years ago and I was struggling with my feelings towards the LDS Church again. At this point I was formally disfellowshipped. My girls were still regularly attending their sunday weekday activities even though I had to work most Sundays and Wednesdays. One night I was called and asked to meet with the bishop. So I agreed and met with him. It seems that some of the "good young men" in our ward and the ward we shared the building with were spreading rumors about one of my daughters. They were saying things like "she's easy" and "she will sleep with anyone". So naturally the bishop felt it important to alert me to this "character flaw" in my daughter that I was unaware of. I was floored. This child of mine was much like me in that she preferred to hang around boys because girls can get petty. She still had plenty of female friends, but enjoyed being "one of the guys" as well. And it seemed this is where the rumors began. I was told to speak with my daughter and meet back with the bishop the next night. Let's just say that the next night was a meeting I'm sure this man has never forgotten.

I walked into his office and asked him exactly who was making these false accusations against my daughter. He refused to give me names, but did state that one young man was standing up for her and he was the one who brought it to the attention of the young men leaders and bishop. I stated that in our country we are allowed to face our accusers and that my child had a right to face hers. He asked if I was certain of her virginity to which I responded that it was absolutely none of his business. And that he was overstepping boundaries at this point. He then proceeded to tell me as the only worthy priesthood leader in my kids lives it was his job to know these things. And this is when I completely lost my temper. I'm certain I dropped the F bomb a few times. I was absolutely enraged. If there was a worthy priesthood holder in my children's lives it was my father and a few of their uncles. But this man had zero interaction in their lives.

I called the mom of the young man who stood up for my daughter and let her know that I appreciated her son speaking up. I spoke with him not long after and he told me it wasn't his intent to get her accused of anything, but to get the boys to quit telling lies about her. He felt really bad about this. It was this event that was the final straw for this daughter of mine. I think this young man realized it as well. To this day he is still a friend to her...well actually to him.

You see, this child is now my transgendered son. He often told me through his childhood that he didn't feel like he fit in...not really. More times than I can count he told me he wished he'd been born a boy. At times it came with the addition of "so dad wouldn't have wanted to divorce you" or "so dad would actually notice me". Regardless of the reason, I tried to help him see his worth as a daughter of God. I wish I understood then what I understand now. He has always had worth...inestimable worth. And my words of encouragement were just the opposite. They hurt him.

At this point our relationship is nonexistent. I am to blame for my actions and wish dearly my son would reach out to me. I don't reach to him because he has made it clear that he does not wish for a relationship with me at this time. So I wait. I hold on to every tidbit of information that friends and family provide me with. Many nights I cry because I just want to put my arms around him and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am to have failed him. I sit back and support him from the sidelines. I cheer for his triumphs and want to jump into the fray with his battles. Family tells me he is skeptical of my support. I don't blame him. The blame is on me.

I don't say these things to make anyone feel sorry for me. I say them to make a point to those parents out there who are so quick to judge their child's worth by the standards of men rather than the standards of God. God alone determines our worth. The Divine had declared that we all have inestimable worth. We need to see one another this way. Especially our children who the rest of the world marginalizes.

If I could turn back time I would. If I could write a letter to my younger self and explain what this child is going to be facing I would do it. But I can't. I can only face the consequences of my own actions and pray that my child doesn't become a statistic in the transgender community. And as I pray for him I pray for them all. I also pray for the friends I have made in this community. They have done more to teach me love and acceptance than anyone else. For them I am grateful.

As for my son, I hope he reads this. I hope his sisters share this post with him and let him see I do care. I hope that this can be an olive branch of peace. And I hope that every parent with a transgendered child can read this and see the importance of loving your child because of who they are and not in spite of it.