The Worth of a Soul

Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; for, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men (people), that all men (people) might repent and come to him. —Doctrine and Covenants 16:3c

From the earliest days you have been given a sacred principle that declares the inestimable worth of persons. Do not forget. —Doctrine and Covenants 162:6a

As a pre-teen my parents became inactive. My mom had begun to openly smoke again. We no longer went to church. I typically only went if a Primary teacher/leader or friend picked me up. When I did go the lingering smell of cigarette smoke made me the different one. The fact that I didn't regularly attend made me different. Being different in the LDS Church is not a good thing. I had thoughts and ideas that didn't necessarily match up with my leaders. When I hit my teen years I typically attended to spend time outside of school with my friends. However, I was still not treated as one of the group by everyone. I even remember hearing other young women comment on the fact that I didn't belong at church and that I wasn't worthy to attend church because I didn't come every week. That definitely made it harder for me to attend weekly. It also added to my questioning.

I remember saying something to one of my older brothers about being told I wasn't worthy to attend church. He looked at me and told me that church is for the sinner. Because of that, we are all worthy to attend. Of course, he did’t attend either so I didn't put much stock in his words at that time. My grandma would tell me to attend for the teachings and not the people. She did attend church, but was an old person so how could she understand what I was feeling.

After I was married and our bishopric found out that we had only just married yet had a 4 month old child I felt that I had lost my worth.  So when I received a calling to be a Primary teacher I was shocked. Then I realized the bulk of the younger women were all in the Primary made me realize that this is just where they put us.  And being I had never taught before I doubted my worth as a teacher.

For the next 22 years I fought with feelings of worthlessness in the church. The last 6 years have been the worst. In 2007 I had begun a relationship with a man who stated he was in the midst of a divorce that would soon be finalized. As mine was just about finalized I saw no issue with us seeing each other. Within just a few months we had moved in together. Partly because he had nowhere else to live and partly because it was just plain nice to have a man in the home again. For the next 2 years I waited for his divorce to finalize just as mine had not long after we began co-habitating. I finally called the courthouse to find out the status of his divorce only to be learn that the case was closed because of no action on it. When I confronted him, things did not go well. Shortly thereafter I told him to leave and never come back.

Because of my religious upbringing and life I felt it required to go to my bishop and confess my lifestyle choice and the changes I needed to make. A bishop’s court was convened and I found myself sitting before men I had respect for telling them things I never wanted to have to say out loud again. I was already ashamed that I had been used to play a hurtful game and that I’d also risked my kids’ hearts in the midst of it. But now I had to sit before these men and explain all the horrible and wrong things I had done over the previous 2 years. I was certain I would be excommunicated and almost welcomed the verdict. Imagine my surprise when I was “only” disfellowshipped.

Disfellowshipping in the LDS Church carries its own stigma separate from excommunication. I actually thing excommunication is kinder. When you are disfellowshipped the ward leaders are all quietly told. They are asked not to say anything to anyone, but that is never the case. It gets around quickly. When I showed up to church I realized people knew because no one sat by me except two very loyal friends. Most people barely acknowledged my existence in the room. I was unable to participate in lessons, say prayers, or partake of the sacrament. I basically had to come to church then sit down and shut up.

I think the worst part was not taking the sacrament. There are only two ways to handle this. One is to leave the chapel just before the sacrament is passed and hide out in some hidden corner until it’s over. Two is to sit in the chapel and refuse the bread and water when it comes to you. When you do the latter people wonder why and will ask you after the meeting. If you try to avoid the question they just get more insistent or they ask your children what’s going on with you. Then everyone knows you have no worth – at least according to the standards of the LDS Church.

Now I’m not saying this to be hateful towards the LDS Church. I made my choices and that included going to the bishop. What I hadn't anticipated was the way the members within my own ward would soon be treating me. Again, not everyone treated me poorly, but even one person is one too many. I was already doing penance, yet some felt this was not enough. Some felt it important to remind me very publicly to not participate. They seem to seek me out to shame me.

 I've been told that what I felt was guilt for my actions, not shame. What I've since learned about shame and guilt is best summed up by Brene Brown. She states on her website the following:

Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

I definitely felt shame and judgement. I felt that I had not met the standards set by the church and therefore I no longer had any worth. Eventually I quit attending church. One night I called one of my best friends in tears. I was so tired of feeling worthless. I had been diagnosed with Lupus shortly before and thought of it as a punishment for my failure to live worthily. Thankfully she knocked that nonsense out of my head. She invited me to attend church with her. Thus began my fellowship with Granger Christian Church.

Now to be raised Mormon and suddenly attend a more mainstream Christian church with real intent of learning not just experiencing is culture shock. Not once did they mention how we have to live life by meeting certain requirements outside of acknowledging and accepting Christ as the Savior, admitting we are sinners, and inviting him into our lives. For the first time in my life I said The Lord’s Prayer as if it were a prayer and not as if it were just lyrics to the latest choir song. It actually had meaning in my life. Each week at church they would invite those to the front who were ready to commit their lives to Christ. Week after week I felt compelled but did nothing. Then suddenly one week I found myself walking to the front. I had been Saved!

My bishop had become aware of our attendance at a different church. I was called in to his office to discuss it. I told him that I was not interested in attending the LDS Church at this time, but it could always change. I was certain I’d be excommunicated. Instead I was told that as long as I attended a different church to never expect the LDS Church to help with anything. That my family could be starving to death and the LDS Church still wouldn't help. I stood and walked out of his office.

A few short weeks later I met my husband. We continued to attend church for a few months together but slowly quit going. Not that I don’t love Granger Christian Church, because I do. But because it still didn't quite feel like the right place for me spiritually. But I had learned the importance of grace. Without grace nothing else matters. You can do all the good works you want but without grace you cannot be saved.

By the end of that year we had started attending our ward again. A new bishop and hopefully a new chance to find my worth. You see, I had always placed my worth on what is essentially a checklist of items required by the LDS Church. I had been baptized. Taken out my endowments. Sealed in the temple. Attend my church meetings as regularly as my work schedule permitted. Paid my tithing even if it meant I had to turn around and ask the bishop for financial help. My membership was fully reinstated shortly after we returned to the LDS Church. Yet I still felt unworthy. There were those who still knew how I had previously led my life and they judged me.

Every week I attended church was a struggle. It was a struggle to get out of bed. It was a struggle to get my family up and ready. It was a struggle to sit through meetings. The only thing that wasn't a struggle was coming home and changing out of that blasted skirt or dress. Then the time came for me to renew my temple recommend. I went through the checklist of questions, but still wondered if I was being fully honest or deceiving myself. I went to the stake and answered the questions and still wondered. Yet somehow I became a recommend carrying member again. But I couldn't get myself to attend the temple. I made some excuses like I didn’t want to go alone or I couldn't find anyone to go with. Knowing full well that those were just excuses. I went with an old coworker to perform baptisms for the dead and felt like I wasn’t worthy because of my past.

Then one of my best friends died. I was beyond devastated. It is 3 years this month that she has been gone. And it’s still just as fresh as the day it happened. So in an effort to be closer to her I attended the temple. Not just once but daily until the day of her funeral. I went by myself or found people to go with me. I found peace, but not in doing the work. No I found peace just sitting in the chapel before the session would start. I found peace in just sitting in the quiet of the day. And I felt her near me from time to time. And for a moment I felt worth again. She found me a worthy person to know. She had always told me I had worth, especially when I thought I didn’t have any. Saying goodbye to her is still one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Because of her I knew I had to find my sense of worth again.

I began to read my scriptures more diligently. I prayed morning and night. If called to help I jumped in to do so. I served in my calling to the best of my ability. Yet that feeling of worth still didn’t come back to me. I went to the doctor because I was becoming very depressed and she put me back on antidepressants. I felt ashamed for needing them and my sense of worth fell further away. But I kept trying because I knew if I just stuck to that list of what gets you to the celestial kingdom that my worth would come back to me. But slowly and methodically all my prayers and scripture reading started to take me away from the church.

It wasn't just this feeling of being unworthy that led me away. It was also a lifetime of questioning. My husband would ask me questions as well and I never felt like I could adequately answer him. So I studied harder to be a better Mormon. Yet the more I studied the more I was taken down a path that led away from the church. But how could this be? This is supposed to be “The One True Church” and only those who will truly get to live with Christ are members…or are they?

The day finally came that we attended Community of Christ. Now I had been checking out the website for quite some time and one of the things that caught my attention was the concept of the “Worthof All Persons”. I kept praying to know if this was true. If I had already been found worthy. That it wasn't dependent on checkmarks on a list. I have no doubt that it was the answer to these prayers that led me to ask my husband if we could attend a service. I've previously written about that experience so I won’t go into it here.

It has been here that the idea of grace and worth have finally come together for me. I feel worth and not just spiritually. I feel worth in every aspect of my life. Let me tell you, it is empowering to know, without a doubt, you have worth. That regardless of what anyone thinks of you, the Lord knows your worth and he/she has never doubted your divine nature. Such peace came into my life with this knowledge.

So what brought about this post at this time? Well today, as I was feeling sorry for myself being stuck at work on a Saturday, I decided to listen to the latest podcast on Project Zion. The women on this particular podcast spoke the words of my heart. It was as if someone had reached inside me and presented them with my thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. The raw emotion came rushing back and I knew it was time to let this wound fully close and heal. So thank you to the women who recorded this podcast. Thank you for helping me to heal and reminding me how great is the worth of a soul.