When it comes to my faith journey it has run the range of these. As a teen my questioning was fairly painless. I had a desire to know if the divine existed and if Christ was an actual person who cared. This was beautifully confirmed to me as yes...although I know there are others who have never received such confirmation when asking. Moving out of my parents home and embarking on married life led to more ups and downs in my faith journey. I struggled with the idea that my husband was the head of the household and that I was to always defer to him as was being taught by my religion of choice. It was only 2 years into my marriage that this faith came forward and stated in a proclamation that husband and wife are equals. Great in theory, but trying to implement that in my own marriage was less than successful. Being my marriage and my faith became so intertwined, when I divorced my faith faltered drastically.
I had done as so many had encouraged me to do. I had leaned on someone else's testimony until mine became strong enough. At no time was mine all that strong. So to be treated as a pariah in my own ward because I was divorcing hit me even harder and had me questioning more and more why I wanted to be involved in a church that treated it's members this way. I'd even had a bishop tell me that I must have done something wrong if my husband wanted to divorce me...never considering that I was the one who told my husband I wanted a divorce.
Less than a year later I was living with my mom and stepdad. This was not easy. My stepdad and I were prone to butt heads, but I do see now that he was (and is) concerned about me. He and I would talk about the church and I knew his view was fairly negative. But he would also tell me I needed to make up my own mind how I felt about it. Great counsel from an unlikely source. He would even check with me on Sunday mornings to see if I was attending church that day. Something I don't think my mom knows about.
Moving back to Salt Lake I came back to a ward where I had felt most at home during my adult life. It had been about 4 years and a lot of changes had come about. It didn't feel the same although many of the people were still here. It was then that I started to see things differently. I also saw and heard things that bothered me a great deal. My ex-husband was praised by many for all the good he did and how sad they were that he wasn't my husband anymore. It hurt, but I worked to forgive because I was trying to live my life as Christ would as exampled in the New Testament.
Then I met an amazing man. One who was more Christ-like in attitude than anyone I had ever met. Even though he had little he gave it freely to anyone who needed it. He told me he had faith in Jesus, but didn't believe in any specific church. He had studied numerous religions and felt the sting from family when he traveled down different paths. Within a year of meeting him we were married. I'm so grateful to have him as my partner in this life and the next.
He opened my eyes to other ideas in a way I had not looked at them before. Through him, I was able to explore more religions and talk about these religions in a very open and authentic format. We would read excerpts from books and discuss them. It was refreshing to know that he was a seeker of truth as well.
Then we began to attend church together. I learned quickly that I was still "that one person" that would rattle off some comment during a lesson which took it in a completely different direction. And I wasn't alone. So was my husband. It had started to become such an issue that I could, even now, tell you the two teachers who would be willing to call on us in church during a lesson. In the 3 years of varied activity level not once were we asked to speak and only only a couple of times were we asked to teach a lesson. We were the rogue couple. I'd even heard someone say one day to not mind whatever my husband and I said because we just didn't appreciate the gospel the right way. To this day, I don't think the person who spoke those words realized I was within earshot. It stung.
I struggled with so much focus on church leaders yet little focus on Christ. I didn't necessarily have a faith in the leaders but I did have faith in Christ. This fact actually has helped with my journey. I've learned that many who leave the religious institution I have left do so with unbelief in anything. They become atheist. Their faith is so tied to the leadership that when they finally fall away so does their faith. It truly becomes all or nothing.
A big part of my journey has been in looking back, seeing where I was and contrasting that to where I am now. I see growth. However, in doing so, many have taken it as an attack on a specific religious institution. I'll concede that at times it has been. But for the most part it has been a way for me to document the changes I have been going through. In doing this I have lost many people I considered friends. There are neighbors that will no longer acknowledge me when I wave. People in the neighborhood have literally crossed to the other side of the street to avoid all contact. People have told me that they will pray for my eyes to be opened so that I may return to the truth...their truth, not mine.
On the other side of this equation are the people who support me. Who understand that this is my journey and my thoughts. They will ask me questions and be supportive the best that they can. They may even wonder either privately or to me why I've walked away from the religion in which I was raised. I'll talk with them. I'll let them know that I love them and love even those who treat me badly because I understand we all have our own paths. I do realize that not everything I say is going to be positive regarding this prior faith institution. After a 10 year marriage not everything I say about my ex is positive either. But given time and space I can see the redeeming qualities that I once found in him.
The good and redeeming factors are why I left one restoration religion in favor of another. I can see the shared truths and admire those factors. I love that I no longer will sit through a worthiness interview, but am viewed as having inestimable worth by nature of being created in the image of God. I like that when I pay my tithing it isn't a percentage off the top which then requires me to ask for help, but a percentage of what I have left after meeting mine and my families needs. I enjoy the open discourse during Sunday School where differing views are valued. honored, and encouraged instead of being met with "you need to study and pray harder so you can understand what I'm teaching". I love that every week worship service highlights a different place in the world in a prayer for peace and that this place is highlighted and uplifted. I love that there is an ongoing sense of justice and helping to end poverty. Delivering the manna bags to the homeless and speaking with them felt more Christlike than all the time I have spent in the temple. I enjoy reading the Doctrine and Covenants and seeing the differences in the two volumes I own. To see that in one church it is a living document that is still being added to and has great scripture. And I love that it contains the scripture I grew up with as well. I have found new love and appreciation for the sacrament of communion. Rather than being a weekly part of worship it is now monthly and gives more time for personal change. I like that most of the scriptures used are the same, they are just utilized in different ways and researched more thoroughly with sources outside of the faith tradition.
I am grateful and thankful for my life in the church in which I was raised and practiced for so many years. For me it was a stepping stone. It helped to give me a foundation to build upon. While there are many things that I see as hurtful and/or harmful, I am grateful for what I learned prior to this transition of faith. There will still be hurt which translates into anger as I work through the pain. I may not always be the most positive and uplifting in regards to this previous religion. For those who state I'm always being hateful and negative, know that I am not filled with hate towards any church. I just can no longer see it as the One True Church. I see it as One of the Many True Churches. I am working through this in a public way simply because I have learned that I am not alone and others need these words to help them to stand up and not be afraid to travel on the path of their own faith journey.
After all, we all have our own path to travel. At times they will intersect with others. At times it will seem we are on our own. Just remember, my true path may not be your true path. As for me, I am enjoying the trip.
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