Misdirection and Marginalization

About 5 years into my marriage things were not well. We fought often and frequently did not speak to each other. I was working a part time job as a preschool teacher. Our oldest was in kindergarten. Life was not happy. We had sold our home and moved back to apartment living. I liked our apartment as we had more actual living space than our house. We had some good neighbors. And we were living in the same Ward as my only living Grandma. She was not (and still isn't) a busy body. 

After only a few months of living at this new place I realized just how unhappy I was in my marriage. And then the rumors started. In the Ward was an old girlfriend of my husband's. It only took a short amount of time before rumors started about an affair between them. I confronted him and he denied. I confronted her and she denied. Yet I still doubted. People were treating me differently at church and conversation would stop when I walked into a room. I started asking around our complex and continued to doubt. 

I was called into the bishop's office one evening. I was half expecting to receive some sort of calling but was met with something entirely different. The bishop was aware of the rumors and had his own advice to give me. He must've figured I was contemplating divorce. Little did he know that this wasn't the first time it had been on my mind. He asked me to read out loud Mark 10:2-12.

2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” testing Him. 

3 And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?” 

4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.” 

5 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” 

10 In the house His disciples also asked Him again about the same matter. 11 So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. 12 And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

As I read this out loud my heart began to drop. When I was finished, this bishop looked at me and told me that the Lord had revealed to him as the bishop and a worthy priesthood holder that I needed to forgive my husband, trust him, and focus on my marriage. He told me that anytime I felt like divorce was the answer to read this passage and remind myself it meant that I was willing to be called an adulterer. 

I walked out of his office absolutely fuming. When I arrived home I was met with a very bewildered husband who was told I would not attend church as long as this bishop was our bishop. I told him I was done. I knew instinctively that this scripture was being used as a weapon. We attempted to move our records to another Ward but the bishop refused without meeting with us. So we went and when I told him what he had done he stated that because he is older and wiser and more adept and understanding the Lord I was jealous. He stated he would not permit our records to be moved. I told him I would never attend the Ward as long as he was bishop. 

My husband was so confused. He seemed to feel justified in his words and actions by this bishop. I felt attacked and made to be less than in a marriage which, according the the Proclaimation on the Family, stated we are equals...but really we never were. He viewed himself as the head and ruler with me as an underling only slightly higher in rank than our children. 

That fall, 1999, we temporarily separated. It only lasted about a month, but it did help us with somewhat of a reset to our relationship. We set some rules of communication and focused harder on our marriage. Things started to even out. But that scripture passage was the real reason I didn't follow through with a divorce. I felt like I'd need to wear a scarlet A on all my clothing if we divorced. Certainly not the reason to stay together. 

The truly sad part is this was not the last bishop to use this passage of scripture with me as a way to remain married. The marriage was not healthy for either of us. We had both become very emotionally abusive with one another. Ultimatums were the norm. Bouts of childish not speaking to one another occurred as well. Yet we were told time and again to follow the teachings in this passage. We made it to one marriage counseling session. It was abismally bad and a different counselor was not sought. 

Looking back I feel sorry for this couple who felt forced together and threatened who divorce was considered. When the unhealthy relationship was only going to grow more unhealthy. Oh I was good at putting up an "All is well" front. On occasion I would slip and he would correct me. But happily married we were not. 

It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that the pain, hurt, and anger from this passage began to heal. First, I needed that first marriage to appreciate who I am with now. And to prepare me for who I am with. Second, this scripture was seriously misused. It was wielded as a weapon instead of being used as a balm. Through a great Sunday School lesson I've found new meaning and see this now as a reminder as to how NOT to treat those who are marginalized by society. The Lord does see us as equals. Yet we still manage to divide ourselves. This scripture is a lesson to lift up those who are marginalized. It helps to read the next 4 verses. 

13 Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. 14 But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. 15 Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” 16 And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

Children in the time of Christ were some of the most marginalized. Their value was in what they could do to help provide for the family and did not have the value they have today. I have felt marginalized by a church that placed men and priesthood higher than anything else. So much time spent feeling less than when in His eyes I am no higher or lower than the person next to me. 

I could go on and on about the horrible men these bishops were to me, but I no longer feel that anger. Learning to see these scriptures in a new light has begun to heal a very deep wound. I'd still rather not be around these people, but I am no longer angry. I am finding peace, love, and acceptance.