Just Call Me Grace

As a child I tended to be rather accident prone. I tripped up stairs, not just down them. Wrecking on my bike was pretty regular. Thankfully I was never seriously injured or broke a bone. My mom commented more than once that it was a good thing my name wasn't Grace. When I was about 9 or 10 I received a necklace for my birthday. The pendant on this necklace had a line of a Mother Goose poem on it. "Tuesday's child is full of grace". My parents gave me this because I had been born on a Tuesday, but first I thought they were teasing me for being so klutzy. Up to that point the name or word grace had a very negative connotation.

Even now when I trip or stumble I joke that it's a good thing my name isn't grace. And as luck would have it, I have a daughter with my knack for tripping over flat surfaces. We joke about how I considered naming her Grace, but didn't want to put that kind of pressure on a child of mine. However there is beauty in this word, Grace.

As a child I also heard frequently on the news about Princess Diana and the grace she exhibited. I took this to mean she moved beautifully. So I would watch how she walked and when no one was around I tried to copy her movements. As I moved into those awkward teen years I gave up on moving gracefully.  Instead I started to learn that someone having grace meant more than just their physical movements. It meant to behave with dignity and to be distinguished in attitude. This is the kind of grace I could relate to. As it turns out, I'm not as graceful as I'd like to be.

Growing up LDS there weren't many women who were held up as examples, but Emma Smith was one with whom I always wanted to know more about. I wanted to understand why she was held in high esteem. As I've read numerous accounts of interactions with her I have learned that she exhibited grace. She faced some of the biggest struggles a person can face, yet she showed grace in her daily interactions with people.

When I realized that she didn't come west with the rest of the saints I wanted to understand why. For such a gracious woman it seemed disingenuous for her to not go with the main body of the church. My heart hurt to know she had turned her back on all her husband had brought forth. When I sought to learn more about the RLDS Church I was told not to bother because "they are just apostates". Yet I was continually drawn to them.

When the temple was built and dedicated I hung on to the newspaper clipping from the Salt Lake Tribune for years. I was enamored with this amazing building and the people who built it. I remember talking with my dad about it and him telling me to steer clear of them because they are apostates. My husband cautioned me to do the same. Eventually the newspaper clipping disappeared. But this fascination did not, it just lay dormant.

When my marriage fell apart I was looking for a way to cope with everything. It took about 9 months into separation and I crumbled emotionally. My ability to cope was gone and my kids went to live with their dad and I moved in with my mom. I had to find my center. I had to gain my strength.

It is this move that truly started me on the trajectory towards taking that step through the door of the local Community of Christ congregation.I found work quickly in the deli at a local supermarket. My manager is an amazing woman raised in the baptist faith. She was unlike any other baptist I had ever met. She has grace, and not just in the sense of dignity. We frequently spoke to about religion and the differences in our religious paths. This was the first time I heard about grace in terms of Christ. I mean, yes he showed grace and dignity, but I didn't get what she was referring to when she said, "by the grace of Christ."

I just didn't get it. At the age of 30 I had no clue what the Grace of Christ even meant, but I felt like it was important to understand. I spoke with my bishop and he told me that all other Christian religions believe you are saved by just believing in Christ but that isn't how it works. You have to have faith, repent of your sins, be baptized and confirmed, and then do good works. He really emphasized the good works.

Now good works are not a bad thing. Doing good to and for others is very important as it exhibits Christ-like attributes. But just having faith in Jesus isn't the same as understanding grace. I slowly came to realize that grace is this huge component to discipleship that I just didn't understand. I went to the local Catholic Church for mass and talked to the priest, but I still didn't understand what grace was. I spoke with the pastor at the local Assembly of God and was invited to attend worship services. But my questions were not answered. Somehow I knew there was more to it than I was finding.

I read books by Christian authors, both non-fiction and fiction. But I just wasn't grasping this concept of grace. 6 years into this quest I attended church with one of my best friends at her church, Granger Christian Church. I had so many questions and suddenly here were people excited to field my questions. And I learned how integral understanding grace is to having a relationship with the divine.

I finally understood grace in a way that is so hard to explain. Grace is the all encompassing love of the Divine. It is what allows us to be welcomed into his/her presence. It is embodied in the flesh by the Son of Man. And is all around us in the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. Grace is bigger than we can imagine yet has the ability to touch the individual soul of a non-believer.

It was this understanding and acceptance of grace that saved me. I stood at the front of the church and stated that I am a sinner and it is only through His grace that I am saved. I accepted him into my life and have only been the richer for it. So with this new found understanding I was able to move forward finally and work towards being more like Christ because I finally understood what His "Saving Grace" meant.

I returned to the LDS Church (a story for another day) and tried to bring that feeling and purpose with me. It was soon obvious to me that I was different than everyone else. I saw things through a different lens and it wasn't always appreciated or liked. When I would bring up this idea of grace it was met with good works. But I knew to be saved was to accept grace.

Then a article by Russell M. Nelson was brought to my attention. The article entitled "Divine Love" was in the February 2003 Ensign. In this talk Elder Nelson stated that God's love is conditional. He even goes further to use scripture to show how this love is conditional. I was so rattled. All I could think is that, as a mother, I do not place conditions on my love for my children. And if we are all children of the Divine then why would our love for our children be different than His/Her love for us? It almost felt like it was giving people an excuse to turn their backs on their children when those children chose a different path. Talk about harmful.

This stuck with me because I was so rattled by the idea that Divine Love was conditional. So I did what any other Mormon does in time of questioning, I prayed. I read the scriptures, I fasted and prayed and read the scriptures. I spoke to my bishop and was told to pray, fast, and read my scriptures. And what did I get for all of this? An answer. And it wasn't the answer I was expecting. Instead of being told that others would come to my understanding I was told to seek out more of these truths. For most, this has been seen as a faith crisis. Now, just to clarify, this wasn't my only question but one of many questions. But this is the only question I'm addressing right now.

I continued to pray and ask questions and search. All of this questioning led me to finding my way to Community of Christ. It led me to my spiritual home. And I am truly blessed. These blessings were never as apparent as in the last week as we, as a family, have had the opportunity to sit and listen to the Prophet-President Steve Veazey. Not just listen to him, but to talk with him and ask him questions. This is something that I still cannot imagine happening within the LDS world. I went into these meetings with a prayer in my heart that I would receive witness to the truthfulness of my faith journey. While I've already felt confirmation that this was where I belonged, I wanted to know for myself that this unassuming man is a prophet Again, in this same church, I heard a voice speak to me that Steve Veazey is chosen as prophet-president. That he was chosen through love and discernment.

I love that in those moments of quietude in a place of openness and welcome the spirit speaks so loudly to me. That I am able to know of Divine Grace. At this point I am taking the challenge to offer everyone that same grace that the Divine has given me. I know I shall falter and make mistakes, but if I can help just one person feel that same love that my old boss helped me to feel the journey will be worth it.