Can I Be Authentically Me?

A few people recently pointed out to me that I can celebrate the new direction my life is going without tearing down the LDS Church. That all I'm doing is being hateful towards the church and tried to tell others they should feel the same way. So I've gone back and looked at my posts and tried to use a critical eye. A couple of years ago I would have felt bad for the person writing such things because they had obviously had numerous church leaders and priesthood holders use their position and/or authority as a weapon. I would do my best to understand their anger and put myself in their shoes. I guess that makes me different from most. And that is fine.

In recent days, since the LDS General Conference, I have found that many who stated they support me were only doing so as long as I didn't point out anything that might appear negative towards "the church." So when I pointed out that the new apostles called dies appointed me because they are older white men from Utah it was not well received. Technically this is true. They are each 60 years of age or older, Caucasian, and all reside in Utah (although on spent much of his youth in Sweden). I stated my disappointment that there is no racial diversity among the Quorum of Twelve. That at a time such as this one would think this was important. I then stated that I am glad that Community of Christ has such diversity amongst the Council of Twelve. Evidently this comparison is hateful. 

I've been called out on meme's I've posted which reference Doctrine & Covenants (CoC version) as being falsehoods and following Satan. Meanwhile many of these same people are telling me that I'll come back to the LDS Church and forget all this nonsense. These comments do not exactly make me want to race to the nearest Ward house and beg forgiveness. They actually have succeeded in pushing me further away. 

A brief side note here...I do have some great LDS friends who are very supportive and we've agreed to disagree. These friends are as rare and valuable as a precious gem. I thank the Lord daily for their existence in my life. 

Early this morning I decided to respond to something my husband shared. It was met with such hatred my heart broke. I felt as if I no longer had any worth. That this faith journey I've been on for so long wasn't as valid as I thought if all I could do was attack their precious religion. 

I was sitting at work in near tears. I took my break and wandered into the empty break room. I had previously posted about this attack in the LDS Seekers group on Facebook. I read the outpouring of love and support. I then opened my email and found the Daily Bread blog post for today. This gave me strength. With a prayer in my heart and my spirit re-centered I returned to my job. My co-worker noticed a change in me and asked what was going on. So I showed her the comments made and she gave me a hug and told me what an amazing and strong woman I am. I felt better. I also read some messages I had from friends who have become great supporters of my family during this religious transition.

At lunch I sat and read information on the Community of Christ website and prayed some more. I also tried to stand up for myself on that specific Facebook thread and was cut down again. It led to yet more people I know being blocked so I don't have to deal with their hate filled words towards me. And then I decided I needed to reread the Enduring Principles again. The one that spoke the strongest to me at this point was the Worth of all Persons. I felt Him speak to me through these words and remind me that regardless of what others around me think He knows my worth. That He knows the worth of us all as it is He who created us all. He has guided me to this place at this time to finally learn that no person/business/religion can determine my worth. He has let me know that my worth cannot be measured by human standards. And when it comes down to it, only His opinion is what truly matters.

So while I am still hurt, I am not angry. I am at peace with my creators. It is my duty to strive harder to be a better person and to ask forgiveness when it is needed. I also have reminded myself that it is not my duty to be responsible for how others may respond to what I say but to try to say it in as little of an offensible way as possible. If I say something you don't like, that's ok. Remember, this is my journey, not yours. I don't expect you to see it from my shoes. I'm sharing this for me, not necessarily for you. For this is MY truth.