Friendships and Fatih Journeys

I had a encounter with a woman from my old ward today thanks to the snow. She asked how I was doing and how my family is. I asked after her family. Just polite chitchat. Then she looked at me and said how much she misses me and my quirky comments at church. She felt like perhaps she had contributed to me leaving the church. I assured her that this was my journey and she had been a friend for 15+ years and would continue to be a friend. 

As I got in my car to leave for work I realized I had just been given a glimpse into what my LDS friends must be feeling. Last year as I embarked on this journey I asked for space. My friends obliged. But as my journey progressed I left them behind and did not tell them what was going on. Then when my anger surfaced publicly they felt like I was attacking them, not the institution. This is proof that hindsight is 20/20.

So to my friends/family who are LDS and still read my blog, I am sorry for any hurt my anger towards the institution of the LDS church has caused you. Thank you all for continuing to stand by me and support my journey. I do realized my words are highly reactive at times and I do not always think before I speak/write. 

One of the many things I have learned in my new spiritual home is the sense of community. I have my church community and my neighborhood community. I am blessed to have so many in my world who care for me and my family. I ask for patience as I try to find the balance between these two. Every person in my life are there for a specific reason. I may not understand the reason but I do know there is one. 

This has brought to mind the Enduring Principles of Community of Christ. And one in particular which I have written about on more than one occasion...The Worth of All Persons. I am working harder to uphold this teaching:

• God views all people as having inestimable and equal worth.
  
• God wants all people to experience wholeness of body, mind, spirit, and relationships.
  
• We seek to uphold and restore the worth of all people individually and in community, challenging unjust systems that diminish human worth. 
  
• We join with Jesus Christ in bringing good news to the poor, sick, captive, and oppressed. 

I love my new spiritual home and my new family. I also love my previous path for the lessons I learned because it has all brought me to this place and time. It's all worth it. Every bit when it comes to being who I am now and my ability to be authentically me. It also is bringing me to a point where I am searching for balance between my past relationships and my new ones. 

Friendship is sometimes fleeting. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime with memories of cloud people and building clubhouses (or attempting to do so), fighting over boys as teenagers, skipping classes, celebrating weddings, and mourning our friends whose lives ended much too soon. Other times friendship is created in adulthood with play groups, PTA, church, and your children's friends. However those friendships occur and no matter how long they last, every single one is worth it. 

Road Work Ahead

I've spent the last week or so reading various stories of those who've left the LDS Church behind. Some might refer to it as Anti-Mormon. What I can tell you is these stories sparked anew the frustrations I've held near for so many years. Just when I think I've moved past certain issues, such as scripture being used as a weapon to harm someone, I realize that I am only beyond it to a point. I'm still in a recovery stage.

I have had to look at this recovery stage in a different light. 4 years ago I had major, life changing surgery. Still newly married and my husband and oldest daughter watched as I was wheeled back to surgery and they waited. It took much longer than anticipated. I struggled to respond to the pain meds. I asked my dad, who holds the office of high priest in the LDS Church, for a Father's blessing. I knew that it would calm my mind and it did. Now you might say that this is proof of the truth to the LDS Church. I say it's proof that belief in a heartfelt prayer can work wonders. Anyways, I was able to return home a day earlier than planned. I tried to take it easy but feeling much better than I had in months I was prone to overdoing it and would wind up back in bed for two or three days. It was very frustrating, but it was necessary for healing. 

So it is with this journey. I know there will be setback. I know some days I'll read something one of my LDS friends shares on Facebook and it'll bother me. It's a processing of healing and stretching out into this new person of faith who I am becoming. It's willing to accept the pushback from friends and family when they don't like what I say instead of becoming defensive and attacking them personally. 

Some days I think leaving such a faith structure as the LDS Church requires a 12-step program. Where you attend meetings and say things like, "Hi, my name is Shandra. I'm an apostate." Where you reach goals and have to account for what you did when you practiced said faith. I think the making amends part would be extra difficult. If this bothers anyone please know I'm not taking 12-step programs lightly. Leaving ones faith structure is hard. I tried before and failed because it was the norm for me. I said and did things which hurt others because it kept me in good standing and worthy. I used my faith as a weapon rather than letting my faith effect change within me. If only I could go back 20 years and walk away from it when I first really wanted to do so. If only to save myself from years of hurt and frustration. But I can't go back so I must walk this road of recovery. 

I am keeping my head lifted high. I haven't just found a new spiritual home but a new community in which I find joy, laughter, and peace. I've found friends who have become family. It's a delight to see my 6'3" husband have to physically look up to other members of the congregation. It's participating in girls nights, book club, potlucks, and other hooplas. And, best of all, it's watching my two youngest bloom and grow as they find their own faith, love, and acceptance in the divine. 

Some posts may still come across as angry or hateful, but I've chosen to make this journey public so other know that they are not alone. That there is a 40-something year old woman, born and raised in the Salt Lake Valley, who gets it. Who understands that sometimes the LDS Church just doesn't fit the person the Divine knows you to be. 

What is a Soul Worth?

I’ve been asked numerous times what drew me to Community of Christ. First and foremost is the fact that I have a strong belief in the restoration. There have always been certain things that I cannot deny because of my own prayers and witness. While I knew I could look elsewhere and had, I felt the need to investigate Community of Christ. It was maybe a year ago that I finally caved in and pulled of the official website and looked at it. There was one item that stuck with me and left me thinking about it. It is found in the Enduring Principals. It’s a header titled Worth of All Persons. 

Now I know this isn’t a unique idea. Having taught Young Women’s and learned various Janice Kapp Perry songs there was one specific that came to mind. The song titled “I Am of Infinite Worth”. The lyrics of the chorus state: For I am of worth, of infinite worth. My Savior Redeemer loves me. Yes, I am of worth, of infinite worth. I’ll be all he wants me to be. I will praise him, I will serve him, I will grow in his love, and fulfill my divine destiny. Now there’s nothing wrong with these lyrics. They are actually quite nice. The overall song talks about how you know you are of worth because of what Christ has done for you. 

Here is the problem I’ve always had with this song and the premise it appears to teach. I’m of worth only because of what Christ has done for me. But that doesn’t feel quite right to me. What about all the people before Christ walked the earth? Do they have zero worth because Christ had not come yet? Now the LDS Church teaches about temples and work for the dead. This work is done and we are told it is up to those on the other side to accept it or not. I’ve participated in temple work and had some really neat experiences. I’ve also had times where I was baptized by proxy for 20 names that all were apparently men which is a no-no for a woman. When I tried to say it didn’t feel right I was told they’d investigate are redo the ordinance if the names were indeed men. I felt very little worth right then. 

The first bullet point under this header is “God views all people as having inestimable and equal worth.” There is no mention of it being because of what Christ did for us. It’s just point blank that everyone has equal and inestimable worth. There is a lot of power in this statement. It lets us know that God does not hold any one person or religion higher than any other. That the Divine loves us all no matter what because it is in that divinity we are each created. This is one of my favorite statements in the whole of Community of Christ.

The next bullet point is “God wants all people to experience wholeness of body, mind, spirit, and relationships.” This is probably the one that had me most frustrated. With my health issues the idea of wholeness of body is frustrating. My body is fairly broken. But then I realized that wholeness of body does not equal perfection of body. A wholeness of body is being able to accept the body that you are given with all its flaws. I also thought about all those people who live with mental health issues like schizophrenia. I have no doubt they’d love to have wholeness of mind. Then I look at my husband who lives with schizophrenia and he takes his medicine as it’s prescribed and he studies religion. He loves to learn about new things. While his mind may not be whole to some people, it’s whole to him because he is able to use it to the fullness that is within his capabilities. Wholeness of spirit is perhaps an easier one as you can find that wholeness by communing with the Divine and gaining a greater understanding of the teachings of all religions. As someone who has been through divorce, wholeness of relationships has been something I’ve always wanted. It isn’t easy to find that wholeness and it takes a lot of work by all involved. But it is so worth it.

The third bullet point states “We seek to uphold and restore the worth of all people individually and in community, challenging unjust systems that diminish human worth.” I was pretty broken by the time I started attending Community of Christ. It was hard to sit in some of the lessons because I’d had scripture used as a weapon against me. Yet through discussion and fellowship I started to feel as if I was healing. I’m not completely healed, but I am well on my way. And in my current state I want to reach out to others and help them to heal as well. It also means that when I see people being treated unjustly by a system and having their worth undermined that I need to speak out and do what I can to uplift, love, and encourage those same people.

The last bullet point states “We join with Jesus Christ in bringing good news to the poor, sick, captive, and oppressed.” As Community of Christ doesn’t actively proselytized as the LDS Church does I was confused by this idea. How on earth do they spread the good news? Then I experienced Manna Bags. These are the bags you see showing up on Pinterest and other social media sights as plastic bags with goods for the homeless. As members of the congregation we went to a park downtown that is known for its homeless population. We passed out these bags and were shocked at how many people we came into contact with that day. It felt like we didn’t even reach half the people there that day. There were so many in need. But it also helped me to realize that sometimes all people need to know is that someone cares. That is part of the good news.

 
It is nice to know that worth isn’t based on a list of questions. That you don’t need to be perfect (or seemingly perfect) to be worthy in God’s eyes. It’s nice not to have to meet with church leaders and have them determine if you are a worthy member. To be trusted to do what you can and it be enough. To not have to feel horrible because of that one cup of coffee you had that day your headache was reaching migraine status. It’s also a wonderful feeling to not have your worth judged by your clothing choices (which in the LDS world are noticed if you can or cannot wear temple garments). It is empowering to know that no matter what mistakes I make that the Divine has already recognized my worth and I just need to be who I was created to be.

The Next Step

The last couple of months I have taken a step back from writing to focus on my next step spiritually. My husband and I received our letters confirming the removal of our names from the membership roles of the LDS Church. I expected to feel elated, but I felt just the opposite. I had the thought that someone outside of my dad would fight for me to stay in the church. My oldest daughter and son-in-law have been supportive and I'm sure they were fighting quietly for me to make the best choice for me. We heard nothing from our bishopric or other leaders within our ward/stake. At the beginning of December I ran into my old stake president and his wife. It was obvious from his demeanor that he was aware we had left the church, but he was sincere and asked if I am happier now. I was able to tell him yes and know that I truly mean it. He and his wife asked about my children and how they are all doing and I asked after his children. It was just a meeting of friends. It felt odd to me, but then again, any time I run into an old ward member who is aware I've left it seems a little stilted. 

I had to take some time to mourn the life I had left. It almost felt too easy. But then again, 23 years of being treated as less than was extremely difficult. Not that all of those years felt that way. Just more of them than I should have spent my energies on. It was truly like an abusive relationship in many ways. I kept feeling like I needed to try harder and change to be loved when in reality I am who God made me to be. Divine love does not require us to meet a checklist to be accepted. We only need believe in the Divine. 

I was finally able to touch base with my dad and let him know I had officially left the church and explain what "officially" meant. He was shocked. I told him about joining Community of Christ and my impending baptism and confirmation. He was not happy and I don't blame him. It is hard to accept your child is going down an extremely different path than the one you laid out for them. There has been little communication since then. Partly on me and partly on him. I know he is hurt and I can't bear hurting him further. And I don't presume to understand his full feelings on this. I love him and at some point we will connect again. I just don't know when that will be. 

On December 26th my husband and I entered the waters of baptism with few family members in attendance, but many friends (most from our new community) were there. Even some of our friends and family who are staunch believers in the LDS Church were there to support us. We were both baptized by a female priesthood holder, our pastor's wife and an Elder in the church. Then we were confirmed by female priesthood holders. It was a beautiful day. I was pleased to have my mom and three of my children in attendance. I wish my husband's family was more supportive, but they are more staunch than my family. And his years of searching have not been met with much kindness. 

That evening we had the chance to have dinner with all of my children, including my son whom we'd not seen nor spoken with since his older sister's wedding the year before. It was a joy to have that time with him and hopefully it's the start to a bridge being rebuilt. If that's all I get is a once a year contact though, I will be happy to have just that. I want this to happen on his terms, not mine. 

Then just as the new year dawned my oldest daughter let me know that her and her husband had set a date to be sealed in the temple. As they live out of state, I knew I would not be able to be there when they came out of the temple. I am truly happy for them on this step of their own faith journey. It was hard not to be there to see her as she stepped out of the temple. In some ways I'm glad I wasn't. Now this isn't to slight her or her husband. I just didn't want my struggle with coming to terms with my own emotions regarding the LDS Church to color their special day in any way. This was about them and me not being present is the best gift I could have given them (outside of still being a worthy temple recomend holder and being there with them in the temple). 

Most will think that my next step has already been taken, and in a way it has been. But not entirely. The wheels are in motion and that next step is to more fully embrace my new community and learn all I can. It's time to learn the history that has been covered up for most of my lifetime and learn the truths that have been hidden away and not approved by church leaders. It's time to read books I never imagined reading and to delve into why I've always struggled to read the Book of Mormon as a historically accurate tome when I have felt for so long that the historicity is just not there. I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. And while the disollusionment towards the LDS Church is still there it is no longer the main focus of my spiritual life. And for that I am thankful.