There is a meme going around that talks about some of the medical science advances in the past 100 years. Then is points out that in 2020 medical science taught us the importance of washing our hands. This year has been a huge reminder of the importance of basics we were taught as children. Hand washing is a key lesson we've been taught. I remember the nightly call of "Wash your hands. Dinner is ready." We would all run to the bathroom or kitchen and wash up then head to the table for dinner.
To this day I can tell you where we all sat around the table in the dining room. There were nightly comments to my brothers to watch their "chicken wings" and food was always passed right to left. I was always glad I sat next to my mom because that meant my brothers never added extra food to my plate like they did to my oldest sister. The rule was to eat everything you took. Often I was told not to let my eyes be bigger than my stomach.
Dinnertime was that special time where we all came together for the evening and talked about our day. It was family time. It was that one moment each day where we were just family. At times I really miss those moments. I miss them more knowing that I wasn't the best at keeping up that traditional family time once I began going through my divorce. When I remarried it wasn't brought back either because there simply wasn't space in our apartment for a dinner table to sit around.
In the past year or so I finally have that dinner table. Even so, we aren't the best at sitting around it for meals. We do better now, but it just isn't the same as when I was growing up. For one, my husband never really had that experience as a kid. It always seems to highlight the differences when we have dinner at the table and I remind him to pass the food. It just isn't his background. Although he is better about it now than at first.
This year I have learned how hard it is to grieve when you are separated from family. Not just separated but estranged from them. It teaches you to really look inward and see where you need to change and accept your mistakes. It also teaches you that not being able to grieve in a more traditional way is a huge struggle. The biggest part of grieving when you can't be with others is that it is harder to move forward with out reaching out to someone to move through the process.
A year ago I started following the news of the new corona virus that had shown up in China. Something told me to start preparing for things to change dramatically. Perhaps it was all of those disaster movies I have watched for years, but I knew I was looking at something that was going to shift how we all acted with one another. I began mentally preparing for something that I would end up not really being prepared for in the end.
As shutdowns hit I had a friend staying with us. She was a childhood friend dealing with her own traumas. Then to add more to the situation we experienced an earthquake. Now those in areas use to earthquakes it may seem silly, but for us it was full of trauma. No one died. No major destruction happened. But we were scared. Every aftershock was hard to deal with and our cats went into hiding. Within the month of March I would be faced with a new normal in my work environment, learn that my youngest would not get the anticipated high school graduation, and have that friendship be destroyed. March was not a good month.
As the year rolled forward we would learn of the ways people were connecting. Church through Zoom became the Sunday norm. People would sit outside and talk with neighbors. Some communities in Europe found ways of celebrating community that they hadn't experienced before. And doing the job I felt called to do was suddenly appreciated and respected as were the jobs of all healthcare workers.
May came along and murder hornets were being talked about. We had begun as a world to wonder what would happen next. We seemed to hold our breath. May was not kind. May symbolizes loss now. The loss of a child who was so wanted and loved. The deep grief that I still carry with me. No parent ever wants to see their child suffer such pain. And then Memorial weekend came along and the name George Floyd was held by those who prayed for social justice.
Not only did George Floyd become an icon for change, but so did Ahmad Arbury and Breonna Taylor. We learned to say their names and demand better training for law enforcement. Protests were held and riots happened in some areas. Those who were protesting begged for the riots to not happen. Suddenly the world united to say that "Black Lives Matter". Not only that but it went further. It demanded that the lives of all those who are othered matter. Disabled lives, LGBTQIA+ lives, immigrant lives, and so on. The prevalence of hate groups became widely publicized. Many were shocked at how prevalent they truly have become.
As summer progressed we saw more and more people fight the usage of masks. The debate between science and pseudoscience raged on. It was during this battle that I became ill. I awoke one morning with a fever and a cough. I did not feel well at all. Exhaustion was my companion that day. As the day wore on I counted back the days to the one where I had a known exposure. It was 13 days. I contacted my work and went in to the ER where a covid test could be run.
It was then that I truly came to understand the viability of these tests. It wasn't the first one I had run but it was the most significant. The negative seemed wrong considering my symptoms. My doctor let me know he viewed it as a false negative because of my overall symptoms and my recent exposure. Sleep overtook my life for at least 5 days. I have very little memory of that time. The first day I remember after becoming ill was my anniversary. My husband made it a memorable one with an awesome cake with a Doctor Who theme. I don't remember much else that day except the delicious cake.
Fatigue became my constant companion after becoming ill. It lingered for weeks and to the degree which I was unable to return to work. It hurt not to be out helping in the chaos of another wave of the virus. It hurt not to have the energy to do much of anything. It just added to the continued mental health issues I was struggling to deal with at the time. I did find part time work that helped with finances, but I still felt like my body had given up.
In late August there was a huge disagreement with my sisters. I wish I could go back and change that night. So many things that were said and reactions to others where I didn't want to hold myself accountable. But I finally did and I asked for forgiveness. The relationships will never be the same but we can work on rebuilding them. Maybe it is good they won't be the same. They were broken the way they existed before so to have a chance to rebuild them will hopefully improve them.
All said, this year is how I had to go back and relearn the lessons I was taught as a child. I had to remember to do the basics. To show people the kindness and consideration I wanted to receive from them. To give of myself to others in their dark moments. To grieve those things which are lost. To stand up and fight for injustice. And most of all, to learn to forgive with the express intent of making changes within myself worthy of others forgiveness. Not just let forgiveness be lip service.
If this year taught me only one thing I want it to be the lesson of forgiveness. I've always been told I forgive to easily, but I learned that I don't and I have let that hurt sit with me for far too long. Not only that, but I have demanded forgiveness without truly accepting that I need to make definite changes within my life. So I am making those changes. And it is not an easy road to look within and see how your words and actions have caused hurt to those you hold dearest.
As we sit here with a new year looming I realize that the time for truly moving forward is now. I need to let those who I have hurt come back to me and tell me why and to accept their truths and find a way to change my own behaviors without an excuse as to why I acted as I did. Change will not be easy, but it will be so worth it in the end. Remember to always wash your hands.
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