A New Beginning

Before I write anything I want to thank those in my faith community, my Post Mormon community, and my Mormon Stories community for reaching out after my last post. It was definitely written during the dark night of the soul...or better known as a severe depressive and anxiety riddled mood. I do not regret what I shared. It needed to be out there so that I can more fully deal with the consequences of my prior actions. For those concerned, I have been receiving the proper care through the medical community. I am well and I am on the road to recovery and happiness.

If the events of the last month had happened 3 years ago I probably would have returned to the LDS Church. I would have thought it was caused by me leaving the church because it was so ingrained in me. Now I just accept it as it really is...I have a mental health illness (actually more than 1) and it has nothing to do with my faith journey. I have spent more than 20 years living with depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD. A therapist told me recently that my fight or flight has been turned so high to fight that it is a wonder I went 20 years between hospitalizations. I'm not completely certain as to what has brought it up to this level, but I have a few ideas.

Since last year when Sam Young started to ask questions about inappropriate questions in Bishop Interviews I have been reliving some very negative events in my life. Not just bishop interview type stuff, but sexual and physical abuse that occurred in my life. Even more than that there was this quiet constant thought process in my mind that I was worthless and unwanted. That it is all of my brokenness and imperfections that make it so no one gives a damn about me. This didn't come from any one place. In fact it came from many places.

These thoughts were emphasized back at the end of February/first of March after a huge fight with a sibling. I called out my sibling for behaviors that I had finally become fed up with. I told this sibling that I love them (and I still do) but I didn't like them at the moment. I also let them know I was taking a break from them on social media. The hatred that spewed out afterwards from this sibling still brings me to tears. Even now, just thinking about it, has tears in my eyes. It ended with a blanket statement that I am a f*cking nutcase and everyone in the family thinks that about me. And I deserve to have my children all hate me. It was within days of this happening that my oldest quit speaking to me.

Here I sit, about 6 months later, my 2 oldest children still don't speak to me. I was excluded from a wedding the past weekend. My siblings don't speak to me except for the occasional text. And then came the post I wrote about the church announcing the issue with the name in the midst of Sam's 23 day fast. I received a message calling me out. I don't have the message anymore. It's since been deleted. But it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was done with this life. The pain was too much to bear. I couldn't do it any more.

My dear husband had just received 3 months worth of his medication from the doctor. I knew taking all of it would kill me. I even researched it to be certain. I knew my medications for lupus and fibromyalgia would make me sick if I overdosed, but not kill me. His would do the job perfectly. Then I looked at my calendar for some reason. I realized that it would be one of my kids coming home who would find me. That wasn't acceptable. So I sent a message to 741741, the text crisis line. And I messaged my mom and my best friend. I told them what was going on in my head. The insane thoughts that wouldn't leave and I realized I needed to be in a hospital.

20 years of cognitive therapy strategies was failing me. I could tell you what I was thinking, why it was wrong, how to re-frame it, but it didn't help. It was like a broken record. So I sent a text to my husband while he was at work letting him know that I needed to self admit to the hospital for help or I was going to hurt myself. When he came home I did just that. I spent 8 days in the hospital. I am glad that I made that choice. I'm glad that I was refusing to let my kids come home to find me dead. Something in me was still fighting to protect them.

People tell me I'm a survivor. I've even called myself a survivor. I don't anymore. I'm a fighter. I will fight for what I believe in. I believe that kids should never have to come home and find their parent dead. So I refused to let it happen when every other part of me was begging to just die. Even thought I was the parent who inflicted physical abuse upon my kids, I changed and am fighting for further change. I stand tall after my own sexual and physical abuse and fight for change. I spent years being shamed by bishops for having been raped and sexually abused and now I fight back.

I can't say I'm perfect because I most certainly am not. I can't say I won't mess up again, because it could happen. What I can say is that in this new beginning in my life at the age of 44 I am trying to be a better me. I am going to fight for those who struggle to fight for themselves. I will be a voice for the voiceless. I'm going to make noise. I won't be quiet. I am coming back fighting. Fighting for love, acceptance, and change. Roaring like my beloved tigers. Roaring for each and every person who has been hurt by worthiness interviews. Roaring for every abuser who begged for help from a bishop and was given a blessing in place of actually receiving help. Roaring now that Sam Young has been excommunicated. Roaring loud and long. The fight has begun.

The Final Entry

This post has been a long time coming. I plan on some very negative repercussions. Even so, I am compelled to write it.

As a young mother I learned exactly how some LDS Bishops protect abusers. I know this because I had multiple bishops protect me and not report me. You see, as a young mother who lived with depression that manifested as anger, I was rather violent. You could even talk to some of my friends from high school and find out that I was given to violent outbursts at times.

After a violent outburst in where I struck my young child and left bruises, I went to my bishop to confess. He gave me some scriptures to read and gave me a blessing. I had fully expected to be released from my calling as a Primary President, but he didn't think it was necessary. My husband at this time was fully aware of these violent outbursts of mine. He told me to make sure that the bruises were never visible and then just let things happen (a few times it happened in front of him).

A couple of years went by and things weren't changing. In fact, they had gotten worse. Oddly enough, I had been turned in by someone to Child Protective Services for neglect because my house was dirty (3 kids under the age of 4 and I was severely depressed). My kids weren't being neglected according to state definition. My house just needed to be cleaned a little better. But this was a wake up call for me. A new bishop had been called. As a faithful member I went to him and confessed. He admitted he wasn't trained to deal with these situation (along with me trying to face my own abuse which had been physical and sexual). I was referred to a therapist.

This therapist was a life saver in many ways. He had me see a doctor to get on antidepressants. This did so much for me when it came to the anger. I also learned a lot of coping skills. However, I did not tell him I had been physically abusing my own children for fear of them being taken from me. When I signed the agreement to be treated it included a caveat that if someone was in danger from me that the authorities would be notified. So I never said anything.

There were times after this that the anger and violence would reemerge. I would see a doctor and get my medications adjusted. But I still hadn't dealt with the fact I was an abusive parent. Not until my divorce did I speak to a therapist about the abuse. He was so helpful and taught me what to do when I felt that urge to strike out come on. He also recommended that I attend a parenting course run by Child Protective Services.

It was this course that solidified a change in me. I learned how to be the kind of parent I should have been all along. I sat in a class where I was the only parent there voluntarily. Everyone else had been court ordered to attend the class. I expressed my past behaviors and desire to never be that person again. This change has not been easy.

Between the classes, therapy, and medication I was able to change who I was as a parent. But I cannot help thinking that if that first bishop had followed protocol and contacted the police then my 2 oldest children would never have experienced as much abuse as they did. In fact, my oldest took the brunt of it and it has all but destroyed our relationship at this point. You see, my 2 oldest children no longer speak to me. I am the toxic person they have had to cut off...and it hurts.

I can blame the fact that I was raised with a father given to violent outbursts and a mother who sat back and let it happen. But that is just creating a scapegoat. In all honesty, it was me. It was me feeling trapped in a marriage and not valued as a person. It wasn't physical violence that I experienced at the hands of a spouse (until I threatened to call the cops). It was me. It was my choice. I knew that I was making the wrong choice, yet I continued to make it. There is only one person to blame...ME.

Now I don't write this for sympathy or for someone to help me find the excuses for my choices. I write it because too many people have said to quit blaming bishops for not reporting abuse. Too many want these men to be blameless in the process. They aren't. If an abuser comes to you to confess then it is time to turn them in. Don't protect them. When you do protect them you only make matters worse.

If I could turn back time and change things I would. I tell people I have no regrets, but I do. I regret ever hurting my children, whether it was physically, mentally, or emotionally. It is wrong. I'm also aware that my children can still press charges against me and am almost anticipating it at this point. More than anything I want my children to be happy and healthy.

The odd part to all of this is that a few years ago a now ex-boyfriend and his spiteful family reported me twice for physically abusing my children. My children were all interviewed and told the worker that it may have been true at one point but that I did not ever hit them. They even said the only parent who hit them was their dad and that was in the form of a spanking. When I was finally being a decent parent I was accused. When I was an abusive parent I was seen as a good parent. 

If you know of an abuser, don't sit back and do nothing. Step forward and say something. If you are an abuser, seek help that isn't in the form of talking with your bishop. If you speak to a therapist they can help you. If you are there to stop the abuse they can work with you and help you all. Most of all, remember if you are the abuser, that you still have inestimable worth. People love you and want to see you become a better person.

Some day I hope the relationship can be restored between my children and myself. If that never happens, then it never happens. It will always hurt, but I will move forward. This needed to be written. This needed to be out there. I'm not the woman I was at 18, 19, 20, or even 30. I've learned and changed. However, the consequences will need to be faced. And it looks as if that time is now.

It is my own behavior and choices that have caused me to support Protect LDS Children. It is knowing that the current system fails and change needs to happen. I can't go back and change anything. I can't change what I did. I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone except those I've harmed. And even in doing so I accept that forgiveness will never come. I accept that I have zero right to ever be in my childrens lives again.

To my children, please know that you are loved beyond measure. If I could go back and protect you from the hurt I've caused then I would. Please know that you will forever be in my prayers and you will always be my heart. Love, Mom

This blog will stay up but I will no longer be writing. Thank you to all who have been loyal readers especially as writing became sporadic.

What's Wrong with the Name?

This week "The Church" released a revelation regarding the name by which they are called. No more should members refer to themselves as LDS or Mormons, but Latter-Day Saints or members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The press release stated that Mormon is ok as part of a title, i.e. Book of Mormon, or descriptor, but not as a term to describe the religion.

So why the big to-do over a name. Especially now? After all even Shakespeare has written about names. Yet if you ask someone who has changed their name, they can tell you that a name means everything. When I divorced my first husband I had the right to change my surname back to my maiden name. This hurt my ex and elated my dad. When I remarried I considered not taking my husband's name and this hurt him. He wanted to know why I would consider not sharing his family name. When I dropped my maiden name my dad was again hurt. I told my dad that "once a Facer always a Facer" even if my legal name didn't state that name.

When my son came out as transgender and changed his name I was caught between loving the name he gave himself and mourning the name I gave him at birth. As I thought about it I remembered that my son had also participated in a naming ceremony when we lived near a reservation. Through his love and respect for the tribe he was given an indigenous name. It is a name he still holds dear.

Then my youngest came forward as non-binary and chose a name that is non-gendered. Again I was troubled by them changing the name I chose for them, but I care more about their self esteem than about them changing their name.

In both these cases my children changed their names as a way to honor who they are becoming. It was to show the growth they are experiencing in their lives. Because of this I honor who they are. This isn't to say there haven't been times when I've misspoken and used the wrong name or pronoun. In fact, their names are also similar in some ways to the names I chose for them.

All of this name stuff led me to think about the fact that my faith community also went through a name change. They ceased to be the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and became Community of Christ. This name change was to show where they are going. It also helped to further disassociate them from the LDS Church. I wasn't a member during this time so I can't speak to what member thought. I do know that there was a divide and not everyone agreed with the change. But this change has moved them forward.

Why do I bring all of this up? Well the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints isn't going through some grand name change. In fact, they are doubling down on their name. They are saying they want their name choice respected. Yet they are unwilling to respect the name choice of those in the transgender community. They are saying they don't want to be called by their 'nicknames' anymore, but they themselves promoted the nickname of Mormon 4 years ago.

As a child, my nickname was Shanny Shoes. Some still call me this, but not many. For a long time this name was an embarrassment. Now it is a joy to be called by this name. It may not embrace who I am right now, but it embraces a part of who I was. It embraces part of my life journey. Nicknames are fun. They are terms of endearment. They aren't typically thought of as disrespectful.

So what's in a name? Names only have the power you give them. In the world of Doctor Who no one, save River Song, knows the name of the Doctor. In that universe the name Doctor has different means depending on how he/she has been seen by a certain society. Doctor typically denotes healer to many, but to others it denotes warrior.

As I have pondered (not ponderized because that word is ridiculous) this issue of name I've come to realize that this issue the LDS Church is having with their name has nothing to do with a new direction but doubling down. Here's the thing, until this press release when someone googled 'Mormon' or 'LDS' the website for Protect LDS Children came up as one of the first hits. Since the press release it can take up to a couple of pages before you find the website. Also buried now is Mormon Stories. Two websites that have gotten a lot of attention. Two websites that show the LDS Church in a less than glowing picture. Proof that the church is not perfect, and is actually seriously flawed.

I don't buy, not even for a moment, that this has anything to do with a revelation. This is more of the frantic ramblings of a group of frustrated old men. They see something they want but can't name. they can't get their hands on it. So they are resorting to misdirection. They are like the spoiled child who suddenly isn't getting attention. This is nothing more than a childish temper tantrum. As for me, they will always be called the Mormons or LDS Church.

The Music Connection

Today I find myself sitting in a Methodist Church in downtown Salt Lake. I'm here for my youngest child's violin recital. Stained glass windows and handcarved wooden benches with amazing acoustics. I picked up the hymnal and began thimbing through its pages. I saw hymns I've known my entire intermingled with hymns I've never heard. It's this shared music that has my mind turning.

My faith journey has always been partially connected through music. Roughly 10 years ago I began listening to a Christian pop station on the radio. I felt the divine move through me in such a new way by listening to this music. One song that deeply inpacted me is by a group called Kutless and entitled "That's What Faith Can Do".

It was during this time that I attended Granger Christian Church. In some ways I still view it as my home. The music director made music an integral part of each service. He asked what peoples favorite hymns werr and spent the next few weeks highlighting those and letting all know who had chosen that hymn. I spent many sundays looking through the hymnal. I found new songs to enjoy and set aside many of my childhood for ones that lifted my changing faith.

When I returned to the LDS church I realized how much I missed the music. It had become a footnote of worship rather than a way to praise the Divine. I was warned about the untruths in mainstream Christian music. Somehow it felt disingenuous. I was even cautioned at one point about watching Christian movies because they were not church created. This was such a struggle for me because I felt the Divine more in these non-LDS created movies and music.

When I quit attending my ward and started to search in earnest on my own is when I found the Divine exists in so many different ways and places. It was the music that first time atttending Community of Christ which brought the Divine into my experience. While some weeks there isn't as much in the way of music. It is still a musically charged atmosphere. Songs are always played through once before the congregation joins in. I've learned to hear the music in the laughter and tears. I've learned to hear the music which resides in the hearts of each person if you but listen.

So today I listen not just to the youthful students who play their Suzuki music. But to quietly listen to the songs which sing in each persons heart. It is why I can sit within a few feet of my ex-husband and his wife. It is at these moments in which the songs of our hearts align with the love of our child.

Music connects each of us in a way nothing else can. Just take the time and you can find the music within you.

#MeToo and Protect LDS Children

Last fall the hashtag Me Too became widespread. It was for anyone who has been sexually assaulted/abused. I don't thing anyone expected exactly how widespread it was to become. During this time I became one of many who could say #MeToo. This was not done lightly, but to admit that sexual assault/abuse is something that has shaped me. I've been in abusive relationships. When I tried to speak my truth I was only partly believed because I didn't come forward immediately. It hurt deeply and the effects have been long lasting.

My friend, Sam Young, came forward a few months back as a former LDS bishop who was appalled at some of the stories he was hearing which were perpetrated by LDS bishops. Through much difficulty, he created the website protectldschildren.org and began a campaign to petition the LDS Church to end one on one interviews for youth with their bishop.

The longer I sit with this the more heartbroken I become. I know what it is like to sit in an interview with a bishop and be questioned about things like masturbation and sex. I know what it feels like to have these things made out to be evil and that I am some kind of deviant who needs saving. And this started at the tender age of 7, when I was asked if I ever touched my "private parts". WTH??? I said yes because you have to wipe when you use the toilet. I'm still shocked I did not end up with some kind of infection because I became fearful of wiping after that interview. Like somehow it was wrong. You'd think I'd go to my mom with this, but I actually asked my dad. He chuckled and explained that cleaning yourself after using the bathroom and any other touching of yourself was perfectly normal and not to feel bad about it. I was still really confused and as I sat with this for a few more years I finally asked one of my sisters. She laughed and then explained what it meant...masturbation. I still don't know if I ever really told my mom about it.

As a teen, almost every time I met with the bishop I was asked about chastity and asked sexually explicit questions. Then came Bishop Wood. This man should be up for sainthood. I was upfront with him about not wanting to be asked questions about sex and that if I was sexually active it was my choice and I wasn't going to be shamed for it. He told me that he would never ask details and just asked if I was following the law of chastity. When I told him no in one interview, he looked sad and asked me to do a few things like pray and read some scriptures, but he also understood that I had to make the choice. When I became pregnant out of wedlock he was sad, but happy to see that my family was supportive of me. He let me know that if I wanted, he could give me a referral to LDS Social Services. But he also understood and gave his support if I chose to keep the baby.

As an adult, I was asked by bishops sexually explicit questions during temple recommend interviews and personal priesthood interviews. It led to a very unhealthy view of sex. Not an easy thing for an adult woman. I was also told, by more than one bishop, that it was my duty as a wife to always submit to my husband. At this point I was denying the fact that I had already been sexually abused and assaulted. This led to me feeling like it was all my fault and that I had done something really wrong. It also led to suicide attempts and a stay in a psych ward for 10 days.

The last time a bishop asked me about my sex life, I told him to mind his own business. That what happened in my marriage was between my husband and I. This bishop looked at me and said that if I wasn't willing to go into detail that I would not get to keep my temple recommend. I demanded to know where it states that he could take my recommend if I didn't answer his questions. I needed to see the policy that says so. He said it is open to interpretation and this is how he interprets it. I left his office...and a short time later this bishop was released and disfellowshipped for other reasons.

When speaking with my husband, he said there was never a time where a bishop interview didn't lead to questions about masturbation. I was surprised, but not really. This led to discussions with two of my children who acknowledged that they too had been asked about masturbation and things of a sexual nature. At this point, I feel like I have failed my kids. This should never have happened. And it happened on my watch!

Yes, I signed the petition to the LDS leadership. I may no longer be a member, but I have children who are still on the records. It is for them and every other child that I signed. Standing by Sam is more than a choice, it is a necessity. If we can't stand up and say, "ENOUGH!" and protect the least of these, then how can we truly be following the path of Christ.

In looking inward these last few months, I found solace in a favorite hymn of mine. It was sung at my baptism and confirmation in Community of Christ. The song is "For Everyone Born"and the verse that sticks out to me is the 4th verse:

For just and unjust, a place at the table,
abuser, abused, with need to forgive,
in anger, in hurt, a mindset of mercy,
for just and unjust, a new way to live,

I can forgive those who hurt me. I can make a place for them at the table. I have found a new way to live. I won't ever forget the acts and my trust will be different. But I can move forward from this pain and find a new way to live.

If you haven't signed the petition to the LDS Leaders and want to, click on the link above for the Protect LDS Children website. Please share the petition...even if it didn't happen to you, it may have happened to someone you know.