Why I Can't Just Leave it Alone

In the last 9 months I have repeatedly been told that since I left the LDS Church I need to just leave it alone. For those that can, great. I, however, am not one of them. It isn't that I'm out to prove to everyone why I was right to leave or to lead others astray. It's that the LDS Church won't leave me alone. Now I'm not saying that there are ward member or leaders pounding down my door. But I did tell the missionaries they are welcome as long as nothing regarding the LDS Church is brought up. And they have not returned. 

What I mean by the LDS Church not leaving me alone is the fact that my youngest child still attends every other week with her dad and stepmom. I see how it affects her and hurts her each time. I'm a mom, so her pain is my pain. My oldest daughter and her husband are active LDS...and I'm forever grateful that she does question and is willing to talk about things with me. I see her as an ally on the inside. But I know when they have children that I will be attending blessings, baptisms, and other functions to show my love and support for my family. 

A great many of my friends are LDS and they post daily on social media their gratitude for the teaching of the LDS Church and the leadership. Some post their testimonies (and some did so directed at me until I asked them to please stop). I see the photos of their children being blessed, baptized, married, and on missions. It's great that it works for them. But it doesn't for me. They get to post all of this "Families are Forever" stuff yet when I push back or ask a question I'm told that since I left I need to just be quiet and leave it alone. Or, worse yet, I'm told that all the negative in my life the last few months is because I left the church. 

So you see, the church doesn't leave me alone. It doesn't leave me alone when I get a message from a youth I watched grow up asking me why their family cannot accept them the way they see me accept my children. My heart breaks. It doesn't leave me alone when family has ignored me because I was led on a different path. You see, leaving the church when your life is connected to it on so many levels makes leaving it alone hard. It is always there. 

For those who have thought me no longer blogging meant I had finally left the church alone, well you are mistaken. Granted, I'm not going to spew hatred like I did as I processed my emotions a few months ago. But as long as I see any organization going out of it's way to hurt the least of society I will speak out. the LDS Church is just one of those entities who I will speak out against when it is intentionally causing harm. 

Now I am not going to go to the extent I did a few months ago as I did when I was in the depth of my hurt and feelings of betrayal. Nor am I going to ignore my LDS friends and family as they post the joys in their lives in relation to religion. Social media, for me, has become a way to reach out to people especially on those days (or weeks) when my health has taken a downswing. I also won't go to the extent that others have although I do understand where they are coming from to a certain degree. 

I guess the take away for now is that if you do see someone acting out in anger towards the LDS Church or any other church, instead of immediately becoming angry or offended ask that person what has led them to that place. I have a great friend who is active LDS and she asks me great pointed questions. She doesn't belittle me, my feelings, or my experiences. Her and I have had a lot of similar experiences and have come out them very differently. She has been a great sounding board and when I finally decided to talk to someone last year regarding my faith journey she is who I turned to. Yep, I completely disregarded my husband (the priesthood holder in the family), my bishop, and my dad. I went to her. I knew she would look at my questions from numerous angles and realize that I just wanted some kind of answer outside of 'read your Book of Mormon and pray more'. 

There are things I've had issues with even when I was a temple recommend holding member and I will address those as they continue to be expanded upon. But also know that the issues I struggle with I would struggle with regardless of the religion. I do think Joseph Smith was an integral player in the scheme of things. I don't believe in the historicity of the Book of Mormon but it is a great book with many great ideas and teachings. I don't believe it was an inspired translation anymore...not since the seerstone in a hat revelation. I had my doubts beforehand, but now I just think it's a great piece of literature.

So, nope, I won't leave the LDS Church alone. I'll do my best to be respectful to those who are active believers, but I can't promise I won't ruffle feathers.