It was about 6 years ago and I was struggling with my feelings towards the LDS Church again. At this point I was formally disfellowshipped. My girls were still regularly attending their sunday weekday activities even though I had to work most Sundays and Wednesdays. One night I was called and asked to meet with the bishop. So I agreed and met with him. It seems that some of the "good young men" in our ward and the ward we shared the building with were spreading rumors about one of my daughters. They were saying things like "she's easy" and "she will sleep with anyone". So naturally the bishop felt it important to alert me to this "character flaw" in my daughter that I was unaware of. I was floored. This child of mine was much like me in that she preferred to hang around boys because girls can get petty. She still had plenty of female friends, but enjoyed being "one of the guys" as well. And it seemed this is where the rumors began. I was told to speak with my daughter and meet back with the bishop the next night. Let's just say that the next night was a meeting I'm sure this man has never forgotten.
I walked into his office and asked him exactly who was making these false accusations against my daughter. He refused to give me names, but did state that one young man was standing up for her and he was the one who brought it to the attention of the young men leaders and bishop. I stated that in our country we are allowed to face our accusers and that my child had a right to face hers. He asked if I was certain of her virginity to which I responded that it was absolutely none of his business. And that he was overstepping boundaries at this point. He then proceeded to tell me as the only worthy priesthood leader in my kids lives it was his job to know these things. And this is when I completely lost my temper. I'm certain I dropped the F bomb a few times. I was absolutely enraged. If there was a worthy priesthood holder in my children's lives it was my father and a few of their uncles. But this man had zero interaction in their lives.
I called the mom of the young man who stood up for my daughter and let her know that I appreciated her son speaking up. I spoke with him not long after and he told me it wasn't his intent to get her accused of anything, but to get the boys to quit telling lies about her. He felt really bad about this. It was this event that was the final straw for this daughter of mine. I think this young man realized it as well. To this day he is still a friend to her...well actually to him.
You see, this child is now my transgendered son. He often told me through his childhood that he didn't feel like he fit in...not really. More times than I can count he told me he wished he'd been born a boy. At times it came with the addition of "so dad wouldn't have wanted to divorce you" or "so dad would actually notice me". Regardless of the reason, I tried to help him see his worth as a daughter of God. I wish I understood then what I understand now. He has always had worth...inestimable worth. And my words of encouragement were just the opposite. They hurt him.
At this point our relationship is nonexistent. I am to blame for my actions and wish dearly my son would reach out to me. I don't reach to him because he has made it clear that he does not wish for a relationship with me at this time. So I wait. I hold on to every tidbit of information that friends and family provide me with. Many nights I cry because I just want to put my arms around him and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am to have failed him. I sit back and support him from the sidelines. I cheer for his triumphs and want to jump into the fray with his battles. Family tells me he is skeptical of my support. I don't blame him. The blame is on me.
I don't say these things to make anyone feel sorry for me. I say them to make a point to those parents out there who are so quick to judge their child's worth by the standards of men rather than the standards of God. God alone determines our worth. The Divine had declared that we all have inestimable worth. We need to see one another this way. Especially our children who the rest of the world marginalizes.
If I could turn back time I would. If I could write a letter to my younger self and explain what this child is going to be facing I would do it. But I can't. I can only face the consequences of my own actions and pray that my child doesn't become a statistic in the transgender community. And as I pray for him I pray for them all. I also pray for the friends I have made in this community. They have done more to teach me love and acceptance than anyone else. For them I am grateful.
As for my son, I hope he reads this. I hope his sisters share this post with him and let him see I do care. I hope that this can be an olive branch of peace. And I hope that every parent with a transgendered child can read this and see the importance of loving your child because of who they are and not in spite of it.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
To be Mormon...or Not
Like a great many people, I was surprised by the updated policies of the LDS Church. It has left me saddened in a way I didn't anticipate. Watching social media and seeing friends who I thought were strong in their faith falter because they have someone in their family is homosexual. The question is out there wondering if all members are going to come under intense scrutiny because they support family member who are homosexual. The question is how far is too far.
I don't claim to have the answer for everyone, but I have it for me. My very first blog post tells you why I left the LDS Church. It explains the need to distance myself from a church where the leaders actively marginalized people for who God created them to be. Yet, I have still had hope that things could be turned around. Even when I knew I was not coming back, I had hope. Not for me, but for my friends and loved ones who still believe and uphold the teaching of the LDS Church.
Let me explain a little about me. I have 4 children. My oldest daughter is a practicing Mormon. She is a Relief Society teacher and a very progressive minded person. Plus she lives outside of the state of Utah which has actual helped her relationship with God develop and grow. My second oldest daughter came out as transgender and is in the process of transitioning to male. He is now my only son and he has no affiliation with religion to my knowledge. My third daughter has come out as gay. She's pretty awesome and has questioned the LDS faith for a few years now, especially since coming out. My youngest daughter states she is pansexual (attracted to personalities not genders). She is the only one who was not baptized at 8. She was taught by the missionaries and baptized at 10. These are my only children. What are the odds that I would end up with 3 out of 4 being part of the LGBTQIA community? Not that high, I can tell you that.
I've had people tell me I must've taught them something wrong or been a bad example for 3 of the 4 to "choose" alternate lifestyles. I can tell you this, from the time they were very young I could see that each of them was not the typical girl. I knew for certain at least one of them would come out at some point. I wondered about my transgendered child for years because he detested anything feminine. The other two I knew would be strong women...not to say they all wouldn't, I raised them each to speak their truths and they do...sometimes to my dismay.
To the recent news...so many scriptures have run through my head. I could spout scripture left and right and it would still be the cherry picking I hated seeing done when I attended the LDS Church. I know that there is much anger and pain with this situation. I have friends in tears because they have younger siblings still at home with their mom yet their dad is in a relationship with another man. So those at home most likely will not be allowed to be baptized or ordained until the age of 18. And then they have to disavow their father's lifestyle. Meanwhile the years in between are met with potential anger towards the father whose lifestyle is preventing them from the goals they've potentially had all because of a new policy. I also heard about a woman whose child was told that the scheduled baptism for this weekend is off because the parents have joint custody and dad is married to a man.
I started thinking about my youngest today and her baptism. At the time of her baptism her father was in prison for possession of child pornography. A horrible crime. He is now (and for life) a registered sex offender. Yet there was no hesitation to her being eligible for baptism There was no judgement against her because of the crimes of her father. Something that may or may not be wired into him genetically, but could also be a condition due to possible sexual abuse to him as a child. This is just speculation on my part. I don't truly know what led him down that path, I just know the pain our children have suffered because of those actions. But something that is not brought on by anything other than genetics is going to stop children from being baptized and/or being ordained. This could potentially prevent them from the temple if they state they support their parent's lifestyle choice because he/she is in a happy and loving relationship.
For me, I am there as a support to all who are hurting. And all who are questioning. I know the struggle of questioning and coming to terms with the answers. Especially when the answers take you in a different direction than you anticipated. I pray for each one of these people that they will be able to gain an open and honest discernment for themselves and not just toe the line because it's what the "brethren" say. If there was ever a time to search your heart for personal revelation, now would be that time.
I've seen the memes that poke fun at this situation, the ones that support this situation, and the ones that are against this situation. I admit to laughing at some, being furious at others, and just plain scrolling past a few. My Facebook feed is full of the news stories and peoples feelings. I've seen postings for suicide hotlines and lists of names of people willing to just be a listening ear. There is a call to action by others and other faiths to draw the circle wide and welcome all who are hurting into their arms. Then I saw a post by one of my friends from back in high school. His words really hit the nail on the head. I'm sharing them with his permission.
I don't claim to have the answer for everyone, but I have it for me. My very first blog post tells you why I left the LDS Church. It explains the need to distance myself from a church where the leaders actively marginalized people for who God created them to be. Yet, I have still had hope that things could be turned around. Even when I knew I was not coming back, I had hope. Not for me, but for my friends and loved ones who still believe and uphold the teaching of the LDS Church.
Let me explain a little about me. I have 4 children. My oldest daughter is a practicing Mormon. She is a Relief Society teacher and a very progressive minded person. Plus she lives outside of the state of Utah which has actual helped her relationship with God develop and grow. My second oldest daughter came out as transgender and is in the process of transitioning to male. He is now my only son and he has no affiliation with religion to my knowledge. My third daughter has come out as gay. She's pretty awesome and has questioned the LDS faith for a few years now, especially since coming out. My youngest daughter states she is pansexual (attracted to personalities not genders). She is the only one who was not baptized at 8. She was taught by the missionaries and baptized at 10. These are my only children. What are the odds that I would end up with 3 out of 4 being part of the LGBTQIA community? Not that high, I can tell you that.
I've had people tell me I must've taught them something wrong or been a bad example for 3 of the 4 to "choose" alternate lifestyles. I can tell you this, from the time they were very young I could see that each of them was not the typical girl. I knew for certain at least one of them would come out at some point. I wondered about my transgendered child for years because he detested anything feminine. The other two I knew would be strong women...not to say they all wouldn't, I raised them each to speak their truths and they do...sometimes to my dismay.
To the recent news...so many scriptures have run through my head. I could spout scripture left and right and it would still be the cherry picking I hated seeing done when I attended the LDS Church. I know that there is much anger and pain with this situation. I have friends in tears because they have younger siblings still at home with their mom yet their dad is in a relationship with another man. So those at home most likely will not be allowed to be baptized or ordained until the age of 18. And then they have to disavow their father's lifestyle. Meanwhile the years in between are met with potential anger towards the father whose lifestyle is preventing them from the goals they've potentially had all because of a new policy. I also heard about a woman whose child was told that the scheduled baptism for this weekend is off because the parents have joint custody and dad is married to a man.
I started thinking about my youngest today and her baptism. At the time of her baptism her father was in prison for possession of child pornography. A horrible crime. He is now (and for life) a registered sex offender. Yet there was no hesitation to her being eligible for baptism There was no judgement against her because of the crimes of her father. Something that may or may not be wired into him genetically, but could also be a condition due to possible sexual abuse to him as a child. This is just speculation on my part. I don't truly know what led him down that path, I just know the pain our children have suffered because of those actions. But something that is not brought on by anything other than genetics is going to stop children from being baptized and/or being ordained. This could potentially prevent them from the temple if they state they support their parent's lifestyle choice because he/she is in a happy and loving relationship.
For me, I am there as a support to all who are hurting. And all who are questioning. I know the struggle of questioning and coming to terms with the answers. Especially when the answers take you in a different direction than you anticipated. I pray for each one of these people that they will be able to gain an open and honest discernment for themselves and not just toe the line because it's what the "brethren" say. If there was ever a time to search your heart for personal revelation, now would be that time.
I've seen the memes that poke fun at this situation, the ones that support this situation, and the ones that are against this situation. I admit to laughing at some, being furious at others, and just plain scrolling past a few. My Facebook feed is full of the news stories and peoples feelings. I've seen postings for suicide hotlines and lists of names of people willing to just be a listening ear. There is a call to action by others and other faiths to draw the circle wide and welcome all who are hurting into their arms. Then I saw a post by one of my friends from back in high school. His words really hit the nail on the head. I'm sharing them with his permission.
- Dear Child, you are divine. You have the spark of divinity in you. It doesn't matter who you are, or where you're from, or to whom you're attracted. That is not for me to care about. I care that you feel loved. I care that you feel celebrated for all of the amazing things about you. I care that you are seen for your unique gifts that are a blessing in this world. I want to help you on your path if I can, but if I can't I don't want to slow you down. You are loved. ~~Chris F.
My heart is full with these words. I can see a loving Creator saying these words to each person he/she has created. It is how I feel about each of my children. I can also say with certainty that there are plenty of people out there willing to help those who are struggling through this. And for those who still believe in the Restoration I can state that the Community of Christ will welcome you with arms wide open, just as they did me and my family. May you each find the peace and love of Christ.
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