The Final Straw

I guess most stories start at the beginning. Well I'm starting mine with the final straw. The tipping point that sent me over the edge and finalized my disillusionment with the LDS (Mormon) Church.

It happened the first weekend of April 2015, General Conference weekend. Like many faithful Mormons I was watching General Conference. I waited to see when Uchtdorf would speak as he had quickly become my favorite person to hear. His stories are great, but after years of learning German I just liked to hear his accent.

L. Tom Perry was speaking and I tend to tune him out as he seems to be rather old-fashioned in his way of thinking. At times he has a good tidbit of advice, but not this time. While I do believe in the importance of family, this talk took a turn that cut me to the core. He stated that "counterfeit and alternative lifestyles" are trying to replace the family organization which God Himself created. Ummm...WTF??? You see, I have a 20 year old who is transgender and an 18 year old who is homosexual. Does this mean their lifestyle choices are against God? That he doesn't love them unless they adhere to the teachings of the LDS Church? This one talk sent what was already a fragile hold on my belief in the church into a tailspin. How could I, a loving parent, tell my children that unless they conform to the LDS Church they are doomed to forever be separated from me?

You see, I've raised my children to be strong and independent. To speak up when they see others being treated poorly. To give of themselves and to be their authentic selves. I don't think they should HAVE TO conform to anyone's idea of religion. Religion is a personal choice. At least that's what I've always thought. I've taken my children to other churches so they have the experience and respect for what others believe.

I guess I just couldn't get past the point that God would expect them to deny who He made them to be in order to return to Him one day. Does He truly expect us to be less than ourselves to come back to him? It does not seem like a loving parent, but a dictatorial regime. If He is a God of Love, why so much hatred towards someone who is a little different? It felt so wrong, and still does.

So I did what any good Mormon does, I prayed and fasted...and fasted and prayed. I read my scriptures and studied the teaching of the prophets. And still my question was unanswered. So I asked God if he loves me for who I am. I prayed and fasted and felt the comfort and confirmation that yes, He does. Then I asked God if he loves my children for who they are. Again, I prayed and fasted and felt the comfort and confirmation that yes, He does. One last question was on my mind so I asked God if he expected us to deny who we are to return to Him. I prayed and fasted...and fasted and prayed. I meditated and pondered over the scriptures. No answer was coming. One day I was reading something a friend had posted on Facebook and it hit me like a ton of bricks. He expects us to be our authentic selves and nothing less.

But who is my authentic self? I spent years in an extremely unhappy marriage trying to conform to what the Church said I should be. I even had myself fooled a few times. I took out my endowments and was sealed in the temple to my now ex-husband. At no time was it truly something I wanted, but I did it because everyone expected it of me. And I was miserable. 3 kids in 4 years. I felt like a baby making factory. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and wouldn't give them up for a second. I served in my callings to the best of my ability. But I was miserable. Miserable enough to attempt suicide. Not a good choice at all, but it reset my priorities as a mom. No matter how hard I tried I just didn't seem to measure up to the standard of a "Good Mormon Wife". And being LDS and divorcing is no picnic either. I learned quickly who my friends really were...and they were few and far between. I also learned that a divorcing member does not want to hear about the blessings of temple marriage. Even now I really don't care to hear about it. For me a temple marriage turned into a living nightmare. All I had known as an adult was being a Mormon Housewife and suddenly I was a single, working Mother. FYI...unless you are widowed there isn't much support for you in the LDS church if you are a single, working mother. The pressure to remarry was insane.

I walked away from the church for a few years and would wander back to it for a time because it's what I knew and there were very little surprises. I slowly learned who I am and how to embrace that person. Wouldn't  you know, once I did I met my husband. He writes his own blog. He has had his own thoughts and feelings regarding the church and has let me find my own path.

Anyways, back to April 2015...It was at this moment I realized that I could no longer attend my ward. I was not being my authentic self by living a religion that taught my children to be the opposite of who God created them to be. It was not easy to walk away. It took about 3 months and I removed my garments. Only yesterday I bought my first pair of shorts in over 15 years. Today my husband and I went to the zoo and I wore a tank top and shorts out in public for the first time in 20 years. It felt scary and exhilarating.

I know I'm not the only one out there with this disillusionment. Everyone has their own faith journey. For some it leads to the LDS Church and for others it leads away from it. This is my journey...and it's time to share it.