Life after Mormonism

It has been 16 months since I sent in my letter of resignation to the LDS Membership office. I have had moments of second-guessing my decision but I do not regret my decision. 16 months of knowing, I gave up someone else’s view of “life after death”. 16 months of forging my own path and learning to accept the TRUTH rather than the whitewashed truth which I spent a lifetime learning. Accepting the beauty that is in me and around me. Beauty I had never before accepted because I was taught to be “in the world but not of the world”. A lifetime of not truly accepting the consequences of my actions towards the earth and her gifts.

I have lost friends and been shuttled to “outer darkness” by family. The truest have stood beside me and challenged me as I struggled to find my identity as a “no more a Mormon”. I finally found security in believing in who I truly am as I embraced my own sexual identity. In addition, I expressed who I am with an amazing tattoo (with plans for more).

I have found joy in learning a new way to read the scriptures. To find it is ok to look critically at the words and ask the unknown Divine about what I am reading. Scripture finally quit hurting me and I am finally beginning to heal from long ago injuries. I learned that “It is not pleasing to God when any passage of scripture is used to diminish or oppress races, genders, or classes of human beings.” (D&C 163:7c

I have learned to listen in the silence and listen in the noise. Not just for promptings from the Divine but for the call to action that exists all around me. Giving of my time to political campaigns I believe in and attending Pride to show my LGBTQIA+ family that they are loved. Love! I have learned what unconditional love truly feels like after years of being taught that love was conditional.

Physically I have been through some horrible struggles with injury and illness. Mentally I have felt more difficulties than usual, but the ups are lasting longer than they have in years. Moreover, the downs are just that…down times where some self-care is needed. Amidst all of this, there have been joys of new children and loss of friends/family to death.

Joy has been found where it once was lost. Acceptance became a way of living. Peace and justice are a motto I carry. Opening of home and heart as a place of healing for those in pain.

I know pain, heartache, struggle, and death will continue to occur. I look at it differently now. I have found that place of strength others see in me and have embraced it. It is not just within me but all around me as I welcome the full meaning of community and enter its warm embrace. 

Toxic or Safe?

I recently shared a meme on Facebook about ridding your life of toxic family members. I got pushback from a family member asking me how I'd feel if I was that toxic person. I don't think my response what quite what was expected. You see, I have been that toxic person. I have said things and done things which were toxic to someone I love more than life itself. As a result I am faced with how to rebuild a relationship. 

I won't name who this person is, but I pray for them. Daily I pray for a way to reach out in love, kindness, and acceptance. And I pray for a chance to rebuild the relationship. It isn't easy and it's never far from my daily thoughts. It comes down to the fact that my words and actions were so hateful and harmful that removing me from their life was a protection. 

Did I intend to come across that way? No! Most definitely not. Was I making the choice to actually hear what this person had to say or was I too caught up in what I thought was right to actually listen? In the aftermath of the devastation is when I found Community of Christ. 

It was here that I truly began to understand how toxic a relationship can be when someone is just trying to get you to live life according to their standards. It isn't that this toxic person is intentionally being toxic either. They truly do feel that what they are saying and doing is for the best for this person. And toxicity can work both ways. Sometimes an entire relationship can become so toxic that the only way for both sides to heal is to end the connection...temporarily or permanently. 

I have no doubt that this person who warned me did so out of love, but they aren't looking at it from all angles. And I have wondered if it felt directed at them in some passive-aggressive manner. Many may ask, "What are the different angles to look at a situation with a toxic family member?" Not that I have any schooling or training, but I can tell you what I've seen and experienced to perhaps open some new thoughts. 

Years ago the BSA (Boy Scouts of America) dealt with a lawsuit that went all the way to the Supreme Court. Was it legal of the organization to ban homosexuals from being leaders? The courts decided that, due to the BSA being a private entity, that it was legal. So why do I bring this up? Because, at the time of the ruling I fully backed the decision of the court. I wasn't homophobic, but I felt that homosexuality was morally wrong and those who acted on their "urges" would never receive Celestial Glory. I didn't realize it, but I was setting the ground work for some really toxic behavior that would come down later. In making this stance I alienated family members and friends. I was so certain that I was right, because I had refused for years to act on my own attraction to women. I was full of self righteous indignation. And I was a total bitch. 

Durning all of this I had a family member say to me in an email that they hoped I ended up with all homosexual children as a way to teach me a lesson. This was not received well. It caused a fracture in a relationship and to this day I hold this person a little farther away because of those words. And, as luck would have it, 3 of my 4 children are on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. 

It was only a few years later, on the heels of my separation, that my soon-to-be ex-husband's youngest sister came to me in tears. She had come to realize and accept that she is bisexual. She knew telling her parents would damage the relationship. I could not figure out why she came out to me. So I asked her. And she told me it was because she had always found unconditional love and acceptance from me. Not long after, as she became involved with another woman, she came out to her parents and they kicked her out. Her and her girlfriend found safety in my home. I showed them love and support. They tried to get me to support legalized marriage for those in the LGBT+ community, but it would take the fiasco of Prop 8 for me to fully accept the legalization of marriage regardless of gender or sexual identity. 

Years later would find this same woman, not married to a woman but a man, having changed so completely that she now spews the same hatred to her nieces and nephews regarding homosexuality/transgender issues which was used to hurt her. She has even spoken about the need to these people to go through Conversion Therapy. It breaks my heart to see this once open and loving woman because a receptacle of hate. And it is breaking the hearts of those nieces and nephews who once thought they could find safety from hate and judgement in her home. The relationship has become toxic. It is time for a break to be made. 

I see these kind of toxic relationship all over the place between evangelical religions and the LGBT+ community. So much hatred and throwing poison darts. So much so, that in my home state numerous young people have taken their own lives rather than face continued judgement by their religious community. In some cases the family is open and loving and in some the family only furthers the toxicity. Yet it's blamed on the weather. And yes I wish that was a bad joke. 

Back to the beginning of this post. I talked about the meme I shared and a family member who reacted to it. If they had asked me directly about it I would have explained that this is not directed at my own family, but a reminder to those in the LGBT+ community who are finding out the toxic nature of their own family relationships. I shared it to let them know it's ok to break off those relationships. To not be afraid because they are going to find support from so many of us who love them because of who they are, not in spite of it. It is to let them know that while they have been uprooted from all they hold dear, that it's ok to spread their wings and take flight to a new place, a new home, a new foundation where love, peace, and acceptance will abound. That while right now it feels like their world has come to an end, it really hasn't. There is no period, but a semicolon...the symbol of where a story could have ended but hasn't. 

Love is Love is Love

I woke up Sunday morning to the same shock that many others woke up to...49 lives lots and all of them members or allies of the LGBT Community. 1 more life was lost as well..that of the gunman. 50 families left questioning and mourning. Yes, 50 families. Just because the gunman took lives does not mean his family have not questioned and mourned. This is all I will say about the gunman.

Tears ran down my face as I remembered I have friends in the Greater Orlando area. Then there was a safe status update on Facebook. Talk about relief in seeing my friends were all counted as safe. One friend, who I will not name of sake of anonymity, was injured, treated, and released. I lost no one. But people I knew had lost friends. Numerous friends. All in one fell swoop. All had their lives ended traumatically and violently.

My heart was heavy as I hopped in the shower. As I thought about all those lives gone in an instant I became overwhelmed and wept. I can't think of the last time I cried so hard about a news story. Referring to it as a news story doesn't do it justice either. There are no words which can adequately describe the events that morning. I thought about the mothers of those who died and the calls they had been receiving. The thoughts that may have crossed their minds as they received such tragic news.

I thought about the evening just over a year ago when I received a call from one of my children who lived out of state. She had been attacked when someone realized that she is a lesbian. She fought off her attacker and went to her sister, who she lived with, and told her what had happened. I know in those moments it was all I could do to just let her know I love her and am there for her the best I could be across state lines. Her sister stepped up and made sure the authorities were called and reports were made. Her attacker has never been found.

I had a hint of what these mothers and fathers are feeling. To know your child is the victim of a hate crime when the only thing they are guilt of is loving someone who just happens to have been born the same gender is heart wrenching. It's that fear that wells up in you when your child comes out to you. At least it was for me. I didn't view any of my kids as being immoral or condemned for coming out. I feared for their safety. For the parents and families of 49 people that fear became a reality.

My youngest met with some friends at the City and County building in Salt Lake on Monday evening for a candlelight vigil. She said she was surprised by the size of the crowd. She also expressed concern for her friends and the less than hospitable homes some live in along with the continued nonacceptance for who they are. I told her that her friends will always be welcome in my house. That our home is one of love and acceptance.

How does this fit into my disillusionment from mainstream Mormonism you might ask? Well, it was this "Hate the sin but love the sinner" mentality. It was the comments like "I love my sister even though she acts on her same sex attraction", "my brother is just confused right now", "my daughter/son is being turned homosexual because of the people she/he hangs out with at school". It was the "we accept you as long as you never act on you desires" and "you are only worthy if you remain celibate or marry someone of the opposite sex" that pushed me away in part.

Why? Why did these words affect me this way? Well, it might surprise a few of you out there who read this and have known me for a long time, but I am bisexual. I've never had a relationship with another woman. I've had crushes from time to time. There were even a few times I was tempted to act on my feelings towards another woman. But it was that shame factor from a lifetime of being LDS that stopped me.

This does not mean I am not happily married to my husband. He is such a huge chunk of my world as are my children. I do not regret who I am married to at all. Our personalities work well together and we approached this relationship with wide eyes open. Although I do admit when I told him I'd never acted on my attraction to other women he was shocked. But that's neither here nor there at this point. The point is, I spent years hiding. Even when people (and family) asked me straight out I denied it. I felt ashamed of who the Divine created me to be.

I'm not ashamed anymore. In the words of Lady Gaga I was born this way. I was born to be exactly who the Divine created me to be. My own choices have been made and I am grateful for every step and misstep along the way. It has led me to the place I am at now. A strong and proud mother and wife. One who isn't afraid to be me. One who has embraced her authentic self. 

And when all is said and done just remember:

Why I Can't Just Leave it Alone

In the last 9 months I have repeatedly been told that since I left the LDS Church I need to just leave it alone. For those that can, great. I, however, am not one of them. It isn't that I'm out to prove to everyone why I was right to leave or to lead others astray. It's that the LDS Church won't leave me alone. Now I'm not saying that there are ward member or leaders pounding down my door. But I did tell the missionaries they are welcome as long as nothing regarding the LDS Church is brought up. And they have not returned. 

What I mean by the LDS Church not leaving me alone is the fact that my youngest child still attends every other week with her dad and stepmom. I see how it affects her and hurts her each time. I'm a mom, so her pain is my pain. My oldest daughter and her husband are active LDS...and I'm forever grateful that she does question and is willing to talk about things with me. I see her as an ally on the inside. But I know when they have children that I will be attending blessings, baptisms, and other functions to show my love and support for my family. 

A great many of my friends are LDS and they post daily on social media their gratitude for the teaching of the LDS Church and the leadership. Some post their testimonies (and some did so directed at me until I asked them to please stop). I see the photos of their children being blessed, baptized, married, and on missions. It's great that it works for them. But it doesn't for me. They get to post all of this "Families are Forever" stuff yet when I push back or ask a question I'm told that since I left I need to just be quiet and leave it alone. Or, worse yet, I'm told that all the negative in my life the last few months is because I left the church. 

So you see, the church doesn't leave me alone. It doesn't leave me alone when I get a message from a youth I watched grow up asking me why their family cannot accept them the way they see me accept my children. My heart breaks. It doesn't leave me alone when family has ignored me because I was led on a different path. You see, leaving the church when your life is connected to it on so many levels makes leaving it alone hard. It is always there. 

For those who have thought me no longer blogging meant I had finally left the church alone, well you are mistaken. Granted, I'm not going to spew hatred like I did as I processed my emotions a few months ago. But as long as I see any organization going out of it's way to hurt the least of society I will speak out. the LDS Church is just one of those entities who I will speak out against when it is intentionally causing harm. 

Now I am not going to go to the extent I did a few months ago as I did when I was in the depth of my hurt and feelings of betrayal. Nor am I going to ignore my LDS friends and family as they post the joys in their lives in relation to religion. Social media, for me, has become a way to reach out to people especially on those days (or weeks) when my health has taken a downswing. I also won't go to the extent that others have although I do understand where they are coming from to a certain degree. 

I guess the take away for now is that if you do see someone acting out in anger towards the LDS Church or any other church, instead of immediately becoming angry or offended ask that person what has led them to that place. I have a great friend who is active LDS and she asks me great pointed questions. She doesn't belittle me, my feelings, or my experiences. Her and I have had a lot of similar experiences and have come out them very differently. She has been a great sounding board and when I finally decided to talk to someone last year regarding my faith journey she is who I turned to. Yep, I completely disregarded my husband (the priesthood holder in the family), my bishop, and my dad. I went to her. I knew she would look at my questions from numerous angles and realize that I just wanted some kind of answer outside of 'read your Book of Mormon and pray more'. 

There are things I've had issues with even when I was a temple recommend holding member and I will address those as they continue to be expanded upon. But also know that the issues I struggle with I would struggle with regardless of the religion. I do think Joseph Smith was an integral player in the scheme of things. I don't believe in the historicity of the Book of Mormon but it is a great book with many great ideas and teachings. I don't believe it was an inspired translation anymore...not since the seerstone in a hat revelation. I had my doubts beforehand, but now I just think it's a great piece of literature.

So, nope, I won't leave the LDS Church alone. I'll do my best to be respectful to those who are active believers, but I can't promise I won't ruffle feathers.  

 

Choices

This weekend marks the first LDS General Conference weekend since I've become a member of Community of Christ. While part of me is just thinking it's like any other weekend, I remember that I live in the capital of Mormonland. It's all around me. So many people talking about it and looking forward to hearing the prophet speak. Oh and the rumblings that a new section to Doctrine and Covenants is going to be given. 

In years past I've looked at these weekends with a mix of anticipation and dread. While some talks give good anecdotes and themes, many rely heavily on the idea that the leaders cannot lead you astray. As for not being led astray by leader...well if you've read the Book of Mormon you know it can happen. Especially if you view it as being a historically accurate document. 

I'm not saying this to slam the LDS Church. I'm saying it because I am noticing an odd mirroring of events going on. Right now, as you know, the US is in the midst of a huge presidential election battle. There are so many lines in the sand that it looks like a game of pick up sticks. We have a broad spectrum of options. I won't deny that I was a Donald Trump supporter at first. Then I travelled a little over to the Clinton camp. Then I bounced around taking time to read up on the major candidates and, doing what I've done every other time I've voted, determined whose platform best matched my own beliefs. About the time I came to a conclusion my dear husband joked that he's a Jesus-loving socialist supporter of the old Jewish dude. I laughed and admitted that I was one too. 

Now I'm not going to get all political on you. Yes I support Bernie Sanders. And I'm thrilled if you are passionate about whomever you are supporting. I just encourage you to continue to read everything you can (good and bad) about the major players. It's the only way to truly be an informed participant. 

Imagine, if you will, the ability to sit at church and have these vastly opposing views and still be considered someone of worth. Every Sunday I look around me and see people who are agnostic, full believers, questioners, unbelievers, spiritual, etc... All are welcome. All are love. All have inestimable worth. Isn't it amazing? We might talk a little politics in the midst of visiting with each other, but we all so respect for each other's choices. 

With General Conference looming I have no doubt that the voices of the dissenters will be muffled yet again. That using agency is going to be talked about, but one should remember to blindly trust the leadership of the church. I can see a lot of justification for marginalizing those who have parents in a same sex relationship being denied saving ordinances. Because the church teaches that you aren't saved until these ordinances are performed. 

The bible, however, teaches that Jesus saved us. We don't have to do anything for his saving grace. It is a gift freely given in love...unconditional love. We seal ourselves up to Him when we are baptized...at least that's my feeling. You don't have to agree with me. Baptism is our commitment to Him and to the church we chose to follow. 

Now why, why as an American. Keen on separation of church and state, do I speak of them both. I do so because right now we have candidates claiming to be followers of Him yet denying his teachings by their actions. And the lone Jewish man is becoming as a rabbi to the younger generation. They hear his words and it reminds them of Sunday school lessons and how one person should not be held higher than another. That we need to help one another. And at no point has this Jewish man claimed to be a follower. He just states he is for justice and peace. 

Not quite a week ago we celebrated the resurrection of another Jewish man who believed in justice and peace. Who loved unconditionally. Who performed miracles and encouraged others to ignite that divine spark within themselves so they may perform miracles too. But most of all, he gave us the choice to believe or not, to seek him or not, to live as he did or not. He gave us choices. 

Lent and Mormonism

Growing up Mormon meant there are some traditional Christian practices that I never experienced. To me Advent was just a calendar. And Lent was this weird thing that my non-Mormon friends did. They would talk about having ashes put on their foreheads and not eating meat for 40 days. I could never get my head wrapped around it. But then again, I never tried. It just wasn't something I was interested in learning. 

Years later I found myself working for in a grocery store deli. My manager was a practicing baptist. I was curious about her religious practices and we talked frequently about the differences. She never tried to sway me just as I never tried to sway her. I gained a great respect for her beliefs over the months we worked together. Then one evening she stopped in the store and she had ashes on her forehead. I asked about it and she said it was for Ash Wednesday. There was no further discussion until the next day when I asked her what Ash Wednesday was about. To be honest I don't remember much other than it being the jumping off point for Lent. So I asked about Lent and she told me it is a time to challenge yourself to become closer to Christ. She stated she was giving up her daily jalapeño poppers in an effort to improve her health. That was the first time I decided to try out this whole Lent idea. I figured I'd give up my beloved Dr Pepper for 40 days. That didn't last more than a couple of days. And I figured I'd just read my scriptures more instead. I wasn't quite grasping the concept. 

I decided Lent wasn't for me. It seems a bit fanatical and I really didn't want to give up anything. I had fallen headlong into the trap that Lent equaled giving up something. I was missing the fact that Lent is meant to be transformative. 

This brings us to five years ago. I was attending church with my best friend at Granger Christian Church. To this day I'm grateful for every Sunday I spent with these amazing people. I have a great love for them and their patience with me. It was here that I first started to understand what Lent actually means. I remember thinking I'd give up my nearly daily cheeseburger at work for healthier options. And I succeeded. I also noticed that during this time I was thinking more about Christ and his purpose. I was finally starting to develop that connection to the Divine. 

Since then I've haphazardly looked at Lent and have actually felt disappointed when I realized the Lenten season had started. I'd pull my scriptures out and read about Christ. But my heart wasn't fully into it. I knew there was more to it than I was getting out of it. 

This year is my first year in a new faith and feeling I can truly call myself a Christian. I have been reading and preparing myself for these 40 days. I've found meaning in this number, 40, and wishing I'd had it a couple years ago when my own age hit 40. After all, the scriptures note that it rained for 40 days and Jesus fasted in the desert for 40 days. And both of these instances a transformation of the relationship with the Divine occurred. That means I need to take these 40 days and begin my own transformation. 

I have made the choice to quit eating or drinking anything except water by 8:30pm each evening. This has health benefits as my body won't be trying to digest as I go to bed. Therefore the calories won't be stored as fat. I. Have noticed my sleep has been better and I'm waking feeling more refreshed. And this is just 2 days in. I also find that I am looking for more positives in the world and trying to be more supportive and helpful to those around me. I'm also finding that my mind is calmer and I am more focused. This is helping me both at work and at home. It is also helping as I study and prepare for my Sunday School lessons. 

Now why do I go into all of this. Well it has to do with a meme I've seen all over Facebook the last few days. 

There was a time where I would have thoughtlessly shared this meme. It would've been out of sheer ignorance and unwillingness to take the time to truly understand what Lent means. And I would've been wrong. Seeing so many of my LDS friends sharing this has hurt a little, but it's ok. I've said and shared plenty that has hurt them and I am sorry for that. While Lent was not practiced at the time of Christ's life, I still find the practice to be one of worth. I'm learning that not giving up something for 40 days only to return to it on day 41 isn't the best route. I'm learning that making a change to my life that can lead to a change of habit (6 weeks is a good amount of time to change a habit). Best of all it is putting me in a frame of mind to be able to actively engage in understand who the Divine is and to deepen that personal relationship. And I am looking forward to this journey. 

Friendships and Fatih Journeys

I had a encounter with a woman from my old ward today thanks to the snow. She asked how I was doing and how my family is. I asked after her family. Just polite chitchat. Then she looked at me and said how much she misses me and my quirky comments at church. She felt like perhaps she had contributed to me leaving the church. I assured her that this was my journey and she had been a friend for 15+ years and would continue to be a friend. 

As I got in my car to leave for work I realized I had just been given a glimpse into what my LDS friends must be feeling. Last year as I embarked on this journey I asked for space. My friends obliged. But as my journey progressed I left them behind and did not tell them what was going on. Then when my anger surfaced publicly they felt like I was attacking them, not the institution. This is proof that hindsight is 20/20.

So to my friends/family who are LDS and still read my blog, I am sorry for any hurt my anger towards the institution of the LDS church has caused you. Thank you all for continuing to stand by me and support my journey. I do realized my words are highly reactive at times and I do not always think before I speak/write. 

One of the many things I have learned in my new spiritual home is the sense of community. I have my church community and my neighborhood community. I am blessed to have so many in my world who care for me and my family. I ask for patience as I try to find the balance between these two. Every person in my life are there for a specific reason. I may not understand the reason but I do know there is one. 

This has brought to mind the Enduring Principles of Community of Christ. And one in particular which I have written about on more than one occasion...The Worth of All Persons. I am working harder to uphold this teaching:

• God views all people as having inestimable and equal worth.
  
• God wants all people to experience wholeness of body, mind, spirit, and relationships.
  
• We seek to uphold and restore the worth of all people individually and in community, challenging unjust systems that diminish human worth. 
  
• We join with Jesus Christ in bringing good news to the poor, sick, captive, and oppressed. 

I love my new spiritual home and my new family. I also love my previous path for the lessons I learned because it has all brought me to this place and time. It's all worth it. Every bit when it comes to being who I am now and my ability to be authentically me. It also is bringing me to a point where I am searching for balance between my past relationships and my new ones. 

Friendship is sometimes fleeting. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime with memories of cloud people and building clubhouses (or attempting to do so), fighting over boys as teenagers, skipping classes, celebrating weddings, and mourning our friends whose lives ended much too soon. Other times friendship is created in adulthood with play groups, PTA, church, and your children's friends. However those friendships occur and no matter how long they last, every single one is worth it.