Friendships and Fatih Journeys

I had a encounter with a woman from my old ward today thanks to the snow. She asked how I was doing and how my family is. I asked after her family. Just polite chitchat. Then she looked at me and said how much she misses me and my quirky comments at church. She felt like perhaps she had contributed to me leaving the church. I assured her that this was my journey and she had been a friend for 15+ years and would continue to be a friend. 

As I got in my car to leave for work I realized I had just been given a glimpse into what my LDS friends must be feeling. Last year as I embarked on this journey I asked for space. My friends obliged. But as my journey progressed I left them behind and did not tell them what was going on. Then when my anger surfaced publicly they felt like I was attacking them, not the institution. This is proof that hindsight is 20/20.

So to my friends/family who are LDS and still read my blog, I am sorry for any hurt my anger towards the institution of the LDS church has caused you. Thank you all for continuing to stand by me and support my journey. I do realized my words are highly reactive at times and I do not always think before I speak/write. 

One of the many things I have learned in my new spiritual home is the sense of community. I have my church community and my neighborhood community. I am blessed to have so many in my world who care for me and my family. I ask for patience as I try to find the balance between these two. Every person in my life are there for a specific reason. I may not understand the reason but I do know there is one. 

This has brought to mind the Enduring Principles of Community of Christ. And one in particular which I have written about on more than one occasion...The Worth of All Persons. I am working harder to uphold this teaching:

• God views all people as having inestimable and equal worth.
  
• God wants all people to experience wholeness of body, mind, spirit, and relationships.
  
• We seek to uphold and restore the worth of all people individually and in community, challenging unjust systems that diminish human worth. 
  
• We join with Jesus Christ in bringing good news to the poor, sick, captive, and oppressed. 

I love my new spiritual home and my new family. I also love my previous path for the lessons I learned because it has all brought me to this place and time. It's all worth it. Every bit when it comes to being who I am now and my ability to be authentically me. It also is bringing me to a point where I am searching for balance between my past relationships and my new ones. 

Friendship is sometimes fleeting. Sometimes it lasts a lifetime with memories of cloud people and building clubhouses (or attempting to do so), fighting over boys as teenagers, skipping classes, celebrating weddings, and mourning our friends whose lives ended much too soon. Other times friendship is created in adulthood with play groups, PTA, church, and your children's friends. However those friendships occur and no matter how long they last, every single one is worth it. 

Road Work Ahead

I've spent the last week or so reading various stories of those who've left the LDS Church behind. Some might refer to it as Anti-Mormon. What I can tell you is these stories sparked anew the frustrations I've held near for so many years. Just when I think I've moved past certain issues, such as scripture being used as a weapon to harm someone, I realize that I am only beyond it to a point. I'm still in a recovery stage.

I have had to look at this recovery stage in a different light. 4 years ago I had major, life changing surgery. Still newly married and my husband and oldest daughter watched as I was wheeled back to surgery and they waited. It took much longer than anticipated. I struggled to respond to the pain meds. I asked my dad, who holds the office of high priest in the LDS Church, for a Father's blessing. I knew that it would calm my mind and it did. Now you might say that this is proof of the truth to the LDS Church. I say it's proof that belief in a heartfelt prayer can work wonders. Anyways, I was able to return home a day earlier than planned. I tried to take it easy but feeling much better than I had in months I was prone to overdoing it and would wind up back in bed for two or three days. It was very frustrating, but it was necessary for healing. 

So it is with this journey. I know there will be setback. I know some days I'll read something one of my LDS friends shares on Facebook and it'll bother me. It's a processing of healing and stretching out into this new person of faith who I am becoming. It's willing to accept the pushback from friends and family when they don't like what I say instead of becoming defensive and attacking them personally. 

Some days I think leaving such a faith structure as the LDS Church requires a 12-step program. Where you attend meetings and say things like, "Hi, my name is Shandra. I'm an apostate." Where you reach goals and have to account for what you did when you practiced said faith. I think the making amends part would be extra difficult. If this bothers anyone please know I'm not taking 12-step programs lightly. Leaving ones faith structure is hard. I tried before and failed because it was the norm for me. I said and did things which hurt others because it kept me in good standing and worthy. I used my faith as a weapon rather than letting my faith effect change within me. If only I could go back 20 years and walk away from it when I first really wanted to do so. If only to save myself from years of hurt and frustration. But I can't go back so I must walk this road of recovery. 

I am keeping my head lifted high. I haven't just found a new spiritual home but a new community in which I find joy, laughter, and peace. I've found friends who have become family. It's a delight to see my 6'3" husband have to physically look up to other members of the congregation. It's participating in girls nights, book club, potlucks, and other hooplas. And, best of all, it's watching my two youngest bloom and grow as they find their own faith, love, and acceptance in the divine. 

Some posts may still come across as angry or hateful, but I've chosen to make this journey public so other know that they are not alone. That there is a 40-something year old woman, born and raised in the Salt Lake Valley, who gets it. Who understands that sometimes the LDS Church just doesn't fit the person the Divine knows you to be. 

What is a Soul Worth?

I’ve been asked numerous times what drew me to Community of Christ. First and foremost is the fact that I have a strong belief in the restoration. There have always been certain things that I cannot deny because of my own prayers and witness. While I knew I could look elsewhere and had, I felt the need to investigate Community of Christ. It was maybe a year ago that I finally caved in and pulled of the official website and looked at it. There was one item that stuck with me and left me thinking about it. It is found in the Enduring Principals. It’s a header titled Worth of All Persons. 

Now I know this isn’t a unique idea. Having taught Young Women’s and learned various Janice Kapp Perry songs there was one specific that came to mind. The song titled “I Am of Infinite Worth”. The lyrics of the chorus state: For I am of worth, of infinite worth. My Savior Redeemer loves me. Yes, I am of worth, of infinite worth. I’ll be all he wants me to be. I will praise him, I will serve him, I will grow in his love, and fulfill my divine destiny. Now there’s nothing wrong with these lyrics. They are actually quite nice. The overall song talks about how you know you are of worth because of what Christ has done for you. 

Here is the problem I’ve always had with this song and the premise it appears to teach. I’m of worth only because of what Christ has done for me. But that doesn’t feel quite right to me. What about all the people before Christ walked the earth? Do they have zero worth because Christ had not come yet? Now the LDS Church teaches about temples and work for the dead. This work is done and we are told it is up to those on the other side to accept it or not. I’ve participated in temple work and had some really neat experiences. I’ve also had times where I was baptized by proxy for 20 names that all were apparently men which is a no-no for a woman. When I tried to say it didn’t feel right I was told they’d investigate are redo the ordinance if the names were indeed men. I felt very little worth right then. 

The first bullet point under this header is “God views all people as having inestimable and equal worth.” There is no mention of it being because of what Christ did for us. It’s just point blank that everyone has equal and inestimable worth. There is a lot of power in this statement. It lets us know that God does not hold any one person or religion higher than any other. That the Divine loves us all no matter what because it is in that divinity we are each created. This is one of my favorite statements in the whole of Community of Christ.

The next bullet point is “God wants all people to experience wholeness of body, mind, spirit, and relationships.” This is probably the one that had me most frustrated. With my health issues the idea of wholeness of body is frustrating. My body is fairly broken. But then I realized that wholeness of body does not equal perfection of body. A wholeness of body is being able to accept the body that you are given with all its flaws. I also thought about all those people who live with mental health issues like schizophrenia. I have no doubt they’d love to have wholeness of mind. Then I look at my husband who lives with schizophrenia and he takes his medicine as it’s prescribed and he studies religion. He loves to learn about new things. While his mind may not be whole to some people, it’s whole to him because he is able to use it to the fullness that is within his capabilities. Wholeness of spirit is perhaps an easier one as you can find that wholeness by communing with the Divine and gaining a greater understanding of the teachings of all religions. As someone who has been through divorce, wholeness of relationships has been something I’ve always wanted. It isn’t easy to find that wholeness and it takes a lot of work by all involved. But it is so worth it.

The third bullet point states “We seek to uphold and restore the worth of all people individually and in community, challenging unjust systems that diminish human worth.” I was pretty broken by the time I started attending Community of Christ. It was hard to sit in some of the lessons because I’d had scripture used as a weapon against me. Yet through discussion and fellowship I started to feel as if I was healing. I’m not completely healed, but I am well on my way. And in my current state I want to reach out to others and help them to heal as well. It also means that when I see people being treated unjustly by a system and having their worth undermined that I need to speak out and do what I can to uplift, love, and encourage those same people.

The last bullet point states “We join with Jesus Christ in bringing good news to the poor, sick, captive, and oppressed.” As Community of Christ doesn’t actively proselytized as the LDS Church does I was confused by this idea. How on earth do they spread the good news? Then I experienced Manna Bags. These are the bags you see showing up on Pinterest and other social media sights as plastic bags with goods for the homeless. As members of the congregation we went to a park downtown that is known for its homeless population. We passed out these bags and were shocked at how many people we came into contact with that day. It felt like we didn’t even reach half the people there that day. There were so many in need. But it also helped me to realize that sometimes all people need to know is that someone cares. That is part of the good news.

 
It is nice to know that worth isn’t based on a list of questions. That you don’t need to be perfect (or seemingly perfect) to be worthy in God’s eyes. It’s nice not to have to meet with church leaders and have them determine if you are a worthy member. To be trusted to do what you can and it be enough. To not have to feel horrible because of that one cup of coffee you had that day your headache was reaching migraine status. It’s also a wonderful feeling to not have your worth judged by your clothing choices (which in the LDS world are noticed if you can or cannot wear temple garments). It is empowering to know that no matter what mistakes I make that the Divine has already recognized my worth and I just need to be who I was created to be.

The Next Step

The last couple of months I have taken a step back from writing to focus on my next step spiritually. My husband and I received our letters confirming the removal of our names from the membership roles of the LDS Church. I expected to feel elated, but I felt just the opposite. I had the thought that someone outside of my dad would fight for me to stay in the church. My oldest daughter and son-in-law have been supportive and I'm sure they were fighting quietly for me to make the best choice for me. We heard nothing from our bishopric or other leaders within our ward/stake. At the beginning of December I ran into my old stake president and his wife. It was obvious from his demeanor that he was aware we had left the church, but he was sincere and asked if I am happier now. I was able to tell him yes and know that I truly mean it. He and his wife asked about my children and how they are all doing and I asked after his children. It was just a meeting of friends. It felt odd to me, but then again, any time I run into an old ward member who is aware I've left it seems a little stilted. 

I had to take some time to mourn the life I had left. It almost felt too easy. But then again, 23 years of being treated as less than was extremely difficult. Not that all of those years felt that way. Just more of them than I should have spent my energies on. It was truly like an abusive relationship in many ways. I kept feeling like I needed to try harder and change to be loved when in reality I am who God made me to be. Divine love does not require us to meet a checklist to be accepted. We only need believe in the Divine. 

I was finally able to touch base with my dad and let him know I had officially left the church and explain what "officially" meant. He was shocked. I told him about joining Community of Christ and my impending baptism and confirmation. He was not happy and I don't blame him. It is hard to accept your child is going down an extremely different path than the one you laid out for them. There has been little communication since then. Partly on me and partly on him. I know he is hurt and I can't bear hurting him further. And I don't presume to understand his full feelings on this. I love him and at some point we will connect again. I just don't know when that will be. 

On December 26th my husband and I entered the waters of baptism with few family members in attendance, but many friends (most from our new community) were there. Even some of our friends and family who are staunch believers in the LDS Church were there to support us. We were both baptized by a female priesthood holder, our pastor's wife and an Elder in the church. Then we were confirmed by female priesthood holders. It was a beautiful day. I was pleased to have my mom and three of my children in attendance. I wish my husband's family was more supportive, but they are more staunch than my family. And his years of searching have not been met with much kindness. 

That evening we had the chance to have dinner with all of my children, including my son whom we'd not seen nor spoken with since his older sister's wedding the year before. It was a joy to have that time with him and hopefully it's the start to a bridge being rebuilt. If that's all I get is a once a year contact though, I will be happy to have just that. I want this to happen on his terms, not mine. 

Then just as the new year dawned my oldest daughter let me know that her and her husband had set a date to be sealed in the temple. As they live out of state, I knew I would not be able to be there when they came out of the temple. I am truly happy for them on this step of their own faith journey. It was hard not to be there to see her as she stepped out of the temple. In some ways I'm glad I wasn't. Now this isn't to slight her or her husband. I just didn't want my struggle with coming to terms with my own emotions regarding the LDS Church to color their special day in any way. This was about them and me not being present is the best gift I could have given them (outside of still being a worthy temple recomend holder and being there with them in the temple). 

Most will think that my next step has already been taken, and in a way it has been. But not entirely. The wheels are in motion and that next step is to more fully embrace my new community and learn all I can. It's time to learn the history that has been covered up for most of my lifetime and learn the truths that have been hidden away and not approved by church leaders. It's time to read books I never imagined reading and to delve into why I've always struggled to read the Book of Mormon as a historically accurate tome when I have felt for so long that the historicity is just not there. I'm excited for this new chapter in my life. And while the disollusionment towards the LDS Church is still there it is no longer the main focus of my spiritual life. And for that I am thankful. 

Finding Acceptance

It was about 6 years ago and I was struggling with my feelings towards the LDS Church again. At this point I was formally disfellowshipped. My girls were still regularly attending their sunday weekday activities even though I had to work most Sundays and Wednesdays. One night I was called and asked to meet with the bishop. So I agreed and met with him. It seems that some of the "good young men" in our ward and the ward we shared the building with were spreading rumors about one of my daughters. They were saying things like "she's easy" and "she will sleep with anyone". So naturally the bishop felt it important to alert me to this "character flaw" in my daughter that I was unaware of. I was floored. This child of mine was much like me in that she preferred to hang around boys because girls can get petty. She still had plenty of female friends, but enjoyed being "one of the guys" as well. And it seemed this is where the rumors began. I was told to speak with my daughter and meet back with the bishop the next night. Let's just say that the next night was a meeting I'm sure this man has never forgotten.

I walked into his office and asked him exactly who was making these false accusations against my daughter. He refused to give me names, but did state that one young man was standing up for her and he was the one who brought it to the attention of the young men leaders and bishop. I stated that in our country we are allowed to face our accusers and that my child had a right to face hers. He asked if I was certain of her virginity to which I responded that it was absolutely none of his business. And that he was overstepping boundaries at this point. He then proceeded to tell me as the only worthy priesthood leader in my kids lives it was his job to know these things. And this is when I completely lost my temper. I'm certain I dropped the F bomb a few times. I was absolutely enraged. If there was a worthy priesthood holder in my children's lives it was my father and a few of their uncles. But this man had zero interaction in their lives.

I called the mom of the young man who stood up for my daughter and let her know that I appreciated her son speaking up. I spoke with him not long after and he told me it wasn't his intent to get her accused of anything, but to get the boys to quit telling lies about her. He felt really bad about this. It was this event that was the final straw for this daughter of mine. I think this young man realized it as well. To this day he is still a friend to her...well actually to him.

You see, this child is now my transgendered son. He often told me through his childhood that he didn't feel like he fit in...not really. More times than I can count he told me he wished he'd been born a boy. At times it came with the addition of "so dad wouldn't have wanted to divorce you" or "so dad would actually notice me". Regardless of the reason, I tried to help him see his worth as a daughter of God. I wish I understood then what I understand now. He has always had worth...inestimable worth. And my words of encouragement were just the opposite. They hurt him.

At this point our relationship is nonexistent. I am to blame for my actions and wish dearly my son would reach out to me. I don't reach to him because he has made it clear that he does not wish for a relationship with me at this time. So I wait. I hold on to every tidbit of information that friends and family provide me with. Many nights I cry because I just want to put my arms around him and tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am to have failed him. I sit back and support him from the sidelines. I cheer for his triumphs and want to jump into the fray with his battles. Family tells me he is skeptical of my support. I don't blame him. The blame is on me.

I don't say these things to make anyone feel sorry for me. I say them to make a point to those parents out there who are so quick to judge their child's worth by the standards of men rather than the standards of God. God alone determines our worth. The Divine had declared that we all have inestimable worth. We need to see one another this way. Especially our children who the rest of the world marginalizes.

If I could turn back time I would. If I could write a letter to my younger self and explain what this child is going to be facing I would do it. But I can't. I can only face the consequences of my own actions and pray that my child doesn't become a statistic in the transgender community. And as I pray for him I pray for them all. I also pray for the friends I have made in this community. They have done more to teach me love and acceptance than anyone else. For them I am grateful.

As for my son, I hope he reads this. I hope his sisters share this post with him and let him see I do care. I hope that this can be an olive branch of peace. And I hope that every parent with a transgendered child can read this and see the importance of loving your child because of who they are and not in spite of it.

To be Mormon...or Not

Like a great many people, I was surprised by the updated policies of the LDS Church. It has left me saddened in a way I didn't anticipate. Watching social media and seeing friends who I thought were strong in their faith falter because they have someone in their family is homosexual. The question is out there wondering if all members are going to come under intense scrutiny because they support family member who are homosexual. The question is how far is too far.

I don't claim to have the answer for everyone, but I have it for me. My very first blog post tells you why I left the LDS Church. It explains the need to distance myself from a church where the leaders actively marginalized people for who God created them to be. Yet, I have still had hope that things could be turned around. Even when I knew I was not coming back, I had hope. Not for me, but for my friends and loved ones who still believe and uphold the teaching of the LDS Church.

Let me explain a little about me. I have 4 children. My oldest daughter is a practicing Mormon. She is a Relief Society teacher and a very progressive minded person. Plus she lives outside of the state of Utah which has actual helped her relationship with God develop and grow. My second oldest daughter came out as transgender and is in the process of transitioning to male. He is now my only son and he has no affiliation with religion to my knowledge. My third daughter has come out as gay. She's pretty awesome and has questioned the LDS faith for a few years now, especially since coming out. My youngest daughter states she is pansexual (attracted to personalities not genders). She is the only one who was not baptized at 8. She was taught by the missionaries and baptized at 10.  These are my only children. What are the odds that I would end up with 3 out of 4 being part of the LGBTQIA community? Not that high, I can tell you that.

I've had people tell me I must've taught them something wrong or been a bad example for 3 of the 4 to "choose" alternate lifestyles. I can tell you this, from the time they were very young I could see that each of them was not the typical girl. I knew for certain at least one of them would come out at some point. I wondered about my transgendered child for years because he detested anything feminine. The other two I knew would be strong women...not to say they all wouldn't, I raised them each to speak their truths and they do...sometimes to my dismay.

To the recent news...so many scriptures have run through my head. I could spout scripture left and right and it would still be the cherry picking I hated seeing done when I attended the LDS Church. I know that there is much anger and pain with this situation. I have friends in tears because they have younger siblings still at home with their mom yet their dad is in a relationship with another man. So those at home most likely will not be allowed to be baptized or ordained until the age of 18. And then they have to disavow their father's lifestyle. Meanwhile the years in between are met with potential anger towards the father whose lifestyle is preventing them from the goals they've potentially had all because of a new policy. I also heard about a woman whose child was told that the scheduled baptism for this weekend is off because the parents have joint custody and dad is married to a man.

I started thinking about my youngest today and her baptism. At the time of her baptism her father was in prison for possession of child pornography. A horrible crime. He is now (and for life) a registered sex offender. Yet there was no hesitation to her being eligible for baptism There was no judgement against her because of the crimes of her father. Something that may or may not be wired into him genetically, but could also be a condition due to possible sexual abuse to him as a child. This is just speculation on my part. I don't truly know what led him down that path, I just know the pain our children have suffered because of those actions. But something that is not brought on by anything other than genetics is going to stop children from being baptized and/or being ordained. This could potentially prevent them from the temple if they state they support their parent's lifestyle choice because he/she is in a happy and loving relationship.

For me, I am there as a support to all who are hurting. And all who are questioning. I know the struggle of questioning and coming to terms with the answers. Especially when the answers take you in a different direction than you anticipated. I pray for each one of these people that they will be able to gain an open and honest discernment for themselves and not just toe the line because it's what the "brethren" say. If there was ever a time to search your heart for personal revelation, now would be that time.

I've seen the memes that poke fun at this situation, the ones that support this situation, and the ones that are against this situation. I admit to laughing at some, being furious at others, and just plain scrolling past a few. My Facebook feed is full of the news stories and peoples feelings. I've seen postings for suicide hotlines and lists of names of people willing to just be a listening ear. There is a call to action by others and other faiths to draw the circle wide and welcome all who are hurting into their arms. Then I saw a post by one of my friends from back in high school. His words really hit the nail on the head. I'm sharing them with his permission.

• Dear Child, you are divine. You have the spark of divinity in you. It doesn't matter who you are, or where you're from, or to whom you're attracted. That is not for me to care about. I care that you feel loved. I care that you feel celebrated for all of the amazing things about you. I care that you are seen for your unique gifts that are a blessing in this world. I want to help you on your path if I can, but if I can't I don't want to slow you down. You are loved.  ~~Chris F.

My heart is full with these words. I can see a loving Creator saying these words to each person he/she has created. It is how I feel about each of my children. I can also say with certainty that there are plenty of people out there willing to help those who are struggling through this. And for those who still believe in the Restoration I can state that the Community of Christ will welcome you with arms wide open, just as they did me and my family. May you each find the peace and love of Christ. 

My Journey...My Path

I think a great many of us go on some kind of faith journey at some point in our lives. Whether it's as a teenager and you question everything your parents/guardians ever taught you (as teens tend to do), as an adult living away from your parents/guardians for the first time, or at some point in adulthood when you wonder why people believe the way they believe. This is a great introspective look at how you do or don't feel towards any kind of divine being. For some this introspection is fairly painless. For others this is a life altering, pain filled journey. For the rest it lays somewhere in between

When it comes to my faith journey it has run the range of these. As a teen my questioning was fairly painless. I had a desire to know if the divine existed and if Christ was an actual person who cared. This was beautifully confirmed to me as yes...although I know there are others who have never received such confirmation when asking. Moving out of my parents home and embarking on married life led to more ups and downs in my faith journey. I struggled with the idea that my husband was the head of the household and that I was to always defer to him as was being taught by my religion of choice. It was only 2 years into my marriage that this faith came forward and stated in a proclamation that husband and wife are equals. Great in theory, but trying to implement that in my own marriage was less than successful. Being my marriage and my faith became so intertwined, when I divorced my faith faltered drastically.

I had done as so many had encouraged me to do. I had leaned on someone else's testimony until mine became strong enough. At no time was mine all that strong. So to be treated as a pariah in my own ward because I was divorcing hit me even harder and had me questioning more and more why I wanted to be involved in a church that treated it's members this way. I'd even had a bishop tell me that I must have done something wrong if my husband wanted to divorce me...never considering that I was the one who told my husband I wanted a divorce.

Less than a year later I was living with my mom and stepdad. This was not easy. My stepdad and I were prone to butt heads, but I do see now that he was (and is) concerned about me. He and I would talk about the church and I knew his view was fairly negative. But he would also tell me I needed to make up my own mind how I felt about it. Great counsel from an unlikely source. He would even check with me on Sunday mornings to see if I was attending church that day. Something I don't think my mom knows about.

Moving back to Salt Lake I came back to a ward where I had felt most at home during my adult life. It had been about 4 years and a lot of changes had come about. It didn't feel the same although many of the people were still here. It was then that I started to see things differently. I also saw and heard things that bothered me a great deal. My ex-husband was praised by many for all the good he did and how sad they were that he wasn't my husband anymore. It hurt, but I worked to forgive because I was trying to live my life as Christ would as exampled in the New Testament.

Then I met an amazing man. One who was more Christ-like in attitude than anyone I had ever met. Even though he had little he gave it freely to anyone who needed it. He told me he had faith in Jesus, but didn't believe in any specific church. He had studied numerous religions and felt the sting from family when he traveled down different paths. Within a year of meeting him we were married. I'm so grateful to have him as my partner in this life and the next.

He opened my eyes to other ideas in a way I had not looked at them before. Through him, I was able to explore more religions and talk about these religions in a very open and authentic format. We would read excerpts from books and discuss them. It was refreshing to know that he was a seeker of truth as well.

Then we began to attend church together. I learned quickly that I was still "that one person" that would rattle off some comment during a lesson which took it in a completely different direction. And I wasn't alone. So was my husband. It had started to become such an issue that I could, even now, tell you the two teachers who would be willing to call on us in church during a lesson. In the 3 years of varied activity level not once were we asked to speak and only only a couple of times were we asked to teach a lesson. We were the rogue couple. I'd even heard someone say one day to not mind whatever my husband and I said because we just didn't appreciate the gospel the right way. To this day, I don't think the person who spoke those words realized I was within earshot. It stung.

I struggled with so much focus on church leaders yet little focus on Christ. I didn't necessarily have a faith in the leaders but I did have faith in Christ. This fact actually has helped with my journey. I've learned that many who leave the religious institution I have left do so with unbelief in anything. They become atheist. Their faith is so tied to the leadership that when they finally fall away so does their faith. It truly becomes all or nothing.

A big part of my journey has been in looking back, seeing where I was and contrasting that to where I am now. I see growth. However, in doing so, many have taken it as an attack on a specific religious institution. I'll concede that at times it has been. But for the most part it has been a way for me to document the changes I have been going through. In doing this I have lost many people I considered friends. There are neighbors that will no longer acknowledge me when I wave. People in the neighborhood have literally crossed to the other side of the street to avoid all contact. People have told me that they will pray for my eyes to be opened so that I may return to the truth...their truth, not mine.

On the other side of this equation are the people who support me. Who understand that this is my journey and my thoughts. They will ask me questions and be supportive the best that they can. They may even wonder either privately or to me why I've walked away from the religion in which I was raised. I'll talk with them. I'll let them know that I love them and love even those who treat me badly because I understand we all have our own paths. I do realize that not everything I say is going to be positive regarding this prior faith institution. After a 10 year marriage not everything I say about my ex is positive either. But given time and space I can see the redeeming qualities that I once found in him.

The good and redeeming factors are why I left one restoration religion in favor of another. I can see the shared truths and admire those factors. I love that I no longer will sit through a worthiness interview, but am viewed as having inestimable worth by nature of being created in the image of God. I like that when I pay my tithing it isn't a percentage off the top which then requires me to ask for help, but a percentage of what I have left after meeting mine and my families needs. I enjoy the open discourse during Sunday School where differing views are valued. honored, and encouraged instead of being met with "you need to study and pray harder so you can understand what I'm teaching". I love that every week worship service highlights a different place in the world in a prayer for peace and that this place is highlighted and uplifted. I love that there is an ongoing sense of justice and helping to end poverty. Delivering the manna bags to the homeless and speaking with them felt more Christlike than all the time I have spent in the temple. I enjoy reading the Doctrine and Covenants and seeing the differences in the two volumes I own. To see that in one church it is a living document that is still being added to and has great scripture. And I love that it contains the scripture I grew up with as well. I have found new love and appreciation for the sacrament of communion. Rather than being a weekly part of worship it is now monthly and gives more time for personal change. I like that most of the scriptures used are the same, they are just utilized in different ways and researched more thoroughly with sources outside of the faith tradition.

I am grateful and thankful for my life in the church in which I was raised and practiced for so many years. For me it was a stepping stone. It helped to give me a foundation to build upon. While there are many things that I see as hurtful and/or harmful, I am grateful for what I learned prior to this transition of faith. There will still be hurt which translates into anger as I work through the pain. I may not always be the most positive and uplifting in regards to this previous religion. For those who state I'm always being hateful and negative, know that I am not filled with hate towards any church. I just can no longer see it as the One True Church. I see it as One of the Many True Churches. I am working through this in a public way simply because I have learned that I am not alone and others need these words to help them to stand up and not be afraid to travel on the path of their own faith journey.

After all, we all have our own path to travel. At times they will intersect with others. At times it will seem we are on our own. Just remember, my true path may not be your true path. As for me, I am enjoying the trip.