I no longer watch General Conference. But sometimes I hear about a message that either resonates or irritates me. This time it is irritating. Evidently Mr. D. Todd Christensen gave a talk about "bitter fruits" and referred to children born out of wedlock as such. Honestly, it did more than irritate me, it angered me. My oldest was born out of wedlock. And she is one of the most amazing people I know, despite all of the heartache I have caused her. Not for a single moment would I consider her a "bitter fruit". In fact, if I had to chose a scriptural term for her I would call her "an elect lady" because she has been faced with challenges no person should have to face these past few years.
I think what angers me so much is that this man is attempting to come from a place of love, but all it feels like is hate. There is little regard for the feelings of those children born under such conditions. After all this includes so many of those babies put up for adoption. It includes babies born because of rape. You don't even understand the scope of people hurt by this comment. It's unconscionable the harm his word have. Not that I expect him or any other General Authority to ever apologize for their words. It made the follow up by Elder Uchtdorf seem hollow.
The past 5 years have been an eye-opening and mind bending experience. Walking away from a lifetime of religious pain to now has not been an easy journey. However, when it comes to words such as this being spoken, I am certain I have made the right decision. Now this decision has come with great pain as so many whom I called friend turned their backs during my time of greatest pain. They chose offense instead of looking for the underlying pain and conflict. I've also experience family turning their backs. If they truly believe that my oldest child is a bitter fruit then perhaps the relationship is worth ending.
There is another scripture that came to mind when I heard about, and later listened to, this talk. It is in the Doctrine and Covenants of Community of Christ:
"It is not pleasing to God when any passage of scripture is used to diminish or oppress races, genders, or classes of human beings. Much physical and emotional violence has been done to some of God's beloved children through the misuse of scripture. The church is called to confess and repent of such attitudes and practices." D&C 163:7c
I've shared this scripture before and it seems to fit so many old teachings from the LDS Church. A reminder to not use scripture to hurt others. I have no doubt that when this happens, God hurts. Just as if someone insulted your child you would hurt for them.
There were years where my ex-husband's family referred to my oldest as a bastard. Every time they said this I got after them. I don't prescribe to an old testament description as to the birth of my child. Honestly, if you think about it, Christ very easily could have been born out of wedlock if Joseph had not accepted Mary being impregnated by someone else. He had every right to set her aside in divorce. Yet he did not. He showed love and compassion - even though an angel compelling him probably helped.
I've heard many times that those who get pregnant out of wedlock deserve to have miscarriages or lose their child/children in some other way. This angers me as well. What you are doing is wishing a child dead. How is that any better than abortion? FYI - no judgment on those who have chosen abortion. That is your choice and I do not judge it. Especially considering I have experienced considering that painful choice.
It matters not how a child comes into this world. Married parents, a single mother, a single adoptive father, unwed parents, or parents of the same gender. If those parents love, or opt to let their child go to another to be raised, then they should be accepted by society. No this world is not perfect, but we aren't either. And when Christ came he gave us new commandments that superseded all other commandments. To love God and to love our neighbor. No where in that did he say to pass judgment on others. Yes, I get the irony that I bring up judging others as not being right yet I am doing that myself. I don't feel it is judgment as much as a commentary on how differently I view what is being taught by the church of my earlier years. And this is done so as to understand when those around me, who are active members of the LDS Church, bring these things up it isn't going to catch me out in left field. I will have taken time to think and pray on them.
This attitude is partly why I did not write this post immediately following conference. It seemed wise to take the time to pray and consider my words. Others have written about the talk in more depth than I. So I challenge you to read them and search them out.
It is hard when I write about my children, especially the two oldest as we are currently not on speaking terms. I love them with all of my heart, but I have also been the parent that caused harm from which they are now healing. There is nothing more a parent could ask for than children who have found a healthy and happy place in their lives, even if it means you are not a part of it.
So, to my oldest, please know that I have never, nor will ever, view you as a "bitter fruit". You are my hero. You've done so much more than anyone else in your position could hope to do. You've dealt with pain, loss, tragedy, frustration, and much more to become the amazing, beautiful, and confident woman you are today. Whether or not we regain a relationship is of less importance to me than knowing you are not just surviving, but thriving in this world for which you were so poorly prepared for by me. Thank you for giving me the gift of knowing you. May you find peace and joy in your life.
