It makes me think of a scripture passage in Matthew 28:16-18 - 16 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.
What catches my eye here is the phrase "but some doubted". They were standing in His presence. He was teaching them, yet there was still doubt. It almost baffles me. Yet it makes perfect sense too. Even at that moment they wavered in their belief. They needed to discern with faith what was going on around them.
In the church of my childhood they now teach to "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." At first I thought this was a bunch of garbage. It feels like being told to have faith and disregard what you are doubting. So using Strong's Concordance I rephrased this saying, "Hesitate in your hesitation before you hesitate in your faith." The I thought on this even further and rephrased it again, "Discern in your discernment before you discern in your faith". And for me it was an Aha! moment.
It isn't to throw out what you are doubting but to look into those doubts further before you doubt your faith. In my faith journey I have had a few things that I have held to with faith. I believe in divine creation. I believe in the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. It was how that belief looked that I doubted. I had a hard time viewing myself as being made in the image of God because God was gendered as male. So I looked at this. In biblical times men were people and women were chattel so of course God was gendered as male. This didn't make it accurate. It just made it what was the norm for the time. This did not mean that God was required to be male...or gendered at all. As a friend has said before "Creator God, man and woman united in power and purpose."
That discernment also meant that God is in every one of us. That idea of a grand design or grand creation. We are all a part of that. Just one small piece of a beautiful puzzle.
I doubted that scripture was historical. Especially the Book of Mormon. As an amateur historian I just couldn't find the proof of the Nephite peoples. And even many of the biblical stories just didn't ring as truth, but as parable. As story passed down around the campfire. I read stories from ancient times. The Epic of Gilgamesh. The Bhagavad Gita. Oh how I adore the Gita. It was here I found the story of the war in heaven. Gilgamesh tells of a great flood. I searched further and found more stories that crossed the known ancient world. Some were similar to the bible. Others were new stories. Because of this I realize that the ancient people of the bible were amazing storytellers and I did not have to take it as historical. It was an anthropological look at how these societies developed community and the struggles of those who felt called to lead a more pure life.
In this dark night of the soul with so much doubt in my heart, I've decided to discern what is causing this doubt. Why I have this unknown fear? Where will I go from this point forward? I can tell you this, doubt is not the negative that so many believe it to be. Doubt is a moment to step forward into that unknown. It's that moment when you let faith carry you into the unknown in order for it to grow and blossom into something newer and greater than you'd ever imagine.
