Today I had an experience that I haven’t had in years. I came face to face with someone and the only thing that came to mind was the phrase, “Get thee hence, Satan.” This came about as I found myself face to face with a person that was evil personified. Ok, this is a bold statement. It, however, is not uninformed. As I looked at this person in the face I realized that they wore a mask. Who they are and who they want people to think they are are two different people. They wanted everyone to think that they are a good, righteous person who has been mistreated by their spouse. They have worked hard to disparage their spouse to church leaders, neighbors, family, and friends. They have caused untold harm to their spouse, and they looked at me as if they could convince me they are the poor, picked on person.
It isn’t often that I feel this way immediately upon meeting someone. I watched as they pulled their mask on and tried to bamboozle me with their charm. It did not work and they quickly realized it. When I left their home I was more concerned for their spouse, my friend, than I was about anything else.
Here’s the thing, when someone is in an abusive situation it isn’t always easy to see it. In fact, if someone tells you they are being abused you tend to listen to them...or at least I do. Having been in abusive relationships I’ve learned to watch for certain “tells” that signal abuse. One big tell is one person having complete control over all monies. Anytime a partner has to be called and asked for a small sum of money (usually $5-20) there is a much bigger problem going on. Honestly though, let yourself sit back without judgement and pay attention to the behavior of both. More often than not personal discernment will let you know the truth of the situation.
One thing I do not like is when religious leaders (i.e. bishops, stake presidents, branch presidents) immediately discount one person because they lack the proper genitalia which permits them to hold the priesthood. I’ve personally had my thoughts and experiences discounted because I was not the “head of the household”. A wife’s stories of abuse should not be discounted just because she is the wife. More and more within mormonism I’m seeing this occur. Now when I say mormonism I’m referring to the Brighamite movement.
All too often the wife is treated by ward members as a pariah since she must somehow be causing said abuse. Honestly, this idea makes me sick. It is a bunch of crap. Never is the abused to blame for being abused. They have not caused it. It is not their fault. They deserve our grace and love.
Now I’ve written before about abuse. My own as one who was abused and as one who was an abuser. One I refuse to feel any shame for having happen. The other I have sought treatment for so I may move past those events and never repeat them. Neither is a comfortable place to rest. Both come with sorrow and pain. Both come with acceptance and forgiveness. One comes with the added need to ask for forgiveness while understanding it may never be given. That is probably the hardest part of having been the abuser.
So where does that leave me now? It leaves me in a place where I can more clearly see an abuser because I know the mask all too well. It also means that I must work within myself to never repeat those past choices again. And when I see someone who is being abused it means I step forward and say, “Get thee hence, Satan!”
So for the friend who is looking at the dark and feels despair I say, “I am here and you are not alone. I will walk this path with you and do all I can to keep you safe.” While you may not know this particular person (or maybe you do), please look for those who are broken in heart and in spirit because of the acts of another person. Reach out your hand and lift them up with love and support.
If you happen to be someone in such a position of being harmed by someone who should be loving and caring for/about you, please reach out. You can visit the website for The National Domestic Violence Hotline for a phone number to reach someone who can help if you cannot trust anyone around you. They are available by phone or chat. They even have contact info for the deaf/hard of hearing community. I promise, you are not alone.
