Loss of Trust

Once again life has thrown my world sideways. These times seem to be the only time I get the urge to blog anymore. That’s ok though. Lately my household has experienced a violation of trust. We try our best to take to heart the scripture passage found in Matthew.:

Matthew 25:35-40 New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? 38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? 39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?’ 40 And the king will answer them, ‘Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family,[a] you did it to me.’

We have always been willing to open our home to those we call family. They don’t need to be family by blood either. Just those we consider family. It hasn’t mattered if it is for one night or a few months. We’ve always been willing to help out another. So when a person we considered family asked to stay a few months with us we agreed. Now we did set down some ground rules and they were agreed upon as well as some assistance with the monetary side of things as adding them into the household would cause a financial strain to a certain degree. 

This past week this person left our home and it was upon cleaning the humongous mess they left in their wake that we realized how much they abused our trust. Our agreement at the beginning was tossed to the side within a few weeks. We consistently worked to remind them of the agreement. Then they said they were leaving. That day came and went with them still here. It was so frustrating. At that point the idea that they needed to follow house rules (which we all followed) was tossed out the window. No sooner than a room would be cleaned then they would mess it right back up. Absolutely no consideration was given for anything by this person. 

This lack of consideration put me on alert. I began to double check things and realized things were not appearing as they should. Something was definitely off in this person and the sense of entitlement became prominent. Groceries would be bought and names written on them for the family member which the food was intended to go to, yet when we would go to get that item it was missing from the pantry, freeze, or refridgerator. When asked, our guest would state he didn’t realize it was for someone. He’d be reminded of the name on the written on the item and there was a claim that it wasn’t noticed. The names were not written on subtly, but boldly and in numerous spots. 

It was another 3 weeks before he left. And in his wake we have realized all that was taken for his use without regard to those which the items belonged. It I could list things, but I won’t. Needless to say the financial assistance promised never occurred. Not even when it was evident we were experiencing a financial crisis. Yet this person always seemed to be able to afford alcohol and stuff with which to make cigarettes. If I were to count up the monetary value of all that was agreed upon and all that was taken for his enjoyment it would be in the thousands. 

So where does this leave us now? Heartbroken and devastated. Faith in the decency of people is gone. At least faith in him is gone. So is any semblance of trust. It isn’t often that I state I would never let someone into my home, but that is his status at this point. I would not let him in my home again under any circumstances. My heart was smashed and I will not give it to one such as him again. 

It hurts even more to know that his actions have ended a friendship. He made so many choices that were self serving whilst claiming to be the one who will always jump in to help another. It just isn’t believable any more. Welcomed with love and acceptance for who he is in his imperfection. Now all I can do is pray that wherever he lands that he does not mistreat those he is with the same way he treated us. 

My cynicism is strong right now. I believe in fighting for those who society views as less than...because they aren’t less than anyone. But helping him out meant learning that at times I am too trusting and naive even now. It is a hard lesson to keep learning when you are middle aged. For now I’ll keep practicing what is taught in the scriptures. I’ll do it because it is what is right. It means for that one person who was able to experience it in our home these past few months that he will have those memories but he will not be invited or welcomed back to it again. Actions have consequences or blessings depending on the action. 

I’ll sit back and read the poem which was inspired, I believe, in some way by these verses in Matthew. The poem also inspired the hymn “A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief”. The poem was written in 1826 by James Montgomery and is titled “The Stranger and His Friend”.

Doubt Your Doubts

Sometimes there are those nights where the doubts and uncertainty of where everything is going just grips you. When you doubt so many of the choices you've made and fear begins to rear it's ugly head. You look back at your journey and all you can see is your failures and where you've hurt others. It becomes impossible to see the good and the triumphant. The moments where the light shined through you and you reached out to others who needed help. 

It makes me think of a scripture passage in Matthew 28:16-18 - 16 Now the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.

What catches my eye here is the phrase "but some doubted". They were standing in His presence. He was teaching them, yet there was still doubt. It almost baffles me. Yet it makes perfect sense too. Even at that moment they wavered  in their belief. They needed to discern with faith what was going on around them. 

In the church of my childhood they now teach to "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." At first I thought this was a bunch of garbage. It feels like being told to have faith and disregard what you are doubting. So using Strong's Concordance I rephrased this saying, "Hesitate in your hesitation before you hesitate in your faith." The I thought on this even further and rephrased it again, "Discern in  your discernment before you discern in your faith". And for me it was an Aha! moment. 

It isn't to throw out what you are doubting but to look into those doubts further before you doubt your faith. In my faith journey I have had a few things that I have held to with faith. I believe in divine creation. I believe in the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. It was how that belief looked that I doubted. I had a hard time viewing myself as being made in the image of God because God was gendered as male. So I looked at this. In biblical times men were people and women were chattel so of course God was gendered as male. This didn't make it accurate. It just made it what was the norm for the time. This did not mean that God was required to be male...or gendered at all. As a friend has said before "Creator God, man and woman united in power and purpose." 

That discernment also meant that God is in every one of us. That idea of a grand design or grand creation. We are all a part of that. Just one small piece of a beautiful puzzle. 

I doubted that scripture was historical. Especially the Book of Mormon. As an amateur historian I just couldn't find the proof of the Nephite peoples. And even many of the biblical stories just didn't ring as truth, but as parable. As story passed down around the campfire. I read stories from ancient times. The Epic of Gilgamesh. The Bhagavad Gita. Oh how I adore the Gita. It was here I found the story of the war in heaven. Gilgamesh tells of a great flood. I searched further and found more stories that crossed the known ancient world. Some were similar to the bible. Others were new stories. Because of this I realize that the ancient people of the bible were amazing storytellers and I did not have to take it as historical. It was an anthropological look at how these societies developed community and the struggles of those who felt called to lead a more pure life. 

In this dark night of the soul with so much doubt in my heart, I've decided to discern what is causing this doubt. Why I have this unknown fear? Where will I go from this point forward? I can tell you this, doubt is not the negative that so many believe it to be. Doubt is a moment to step forward into that unknown. It's that moment when you let faith carry you into the unknown in order for it to grow and blossom into something newer and greater than you'd ever imagine. 

Abuse...

Today I had an experience that I haven’t had in years. I came face to face with someone and the only thing that came to mind was the phrase, “Get thee hence, Satan.” This came about as I found myself face to face with a person that was evil personified. Ok, this is a bold statement. It, however, is not uninformed. As I looked at this person in the face I realized that they wore a mask. Who they are and who they want people to think they are are two different people. They wanted everyone to think that they are a good, righteous person who has been mistreated by their spouse. They have worked hard to disparage their spouse to church leaders, neighbors, family, and friends. They have caused untold harm to their spouse, and they looked at me as if they could convince me they are the poor, picked on person. 

It isn’t often that I feel this way immediately upon meeting someone. I watched as they pulled their mask on and tried to bamboozle me with their charm. It did not work and they quickly realized it. When I left their home I was more concerned for their spouse, my friend, than I was about anything else. 

Here’s the thing, when someone is in an abusive situation it isn’t always easy to see it. In fact, if someone tells you they are being abused you tend to listen to them...or at least I do. Having been in abusive relationships I’ve learned to watch for certain “tells” that signal abuse. One big tell is one person having complete control over all monies. Anytime a partner has to be called and asked for a small sum of money (usually $5-20) there is a much bigger problem going on. Honestly though, let yourself sit back without judgement and pay attention to the behavior of both. More often than not personal discernment will let you know the truth of the situation. 

One thing I do not like is when religious leaders (i.e. bishops, stake presidents, branch presidents) immediately discount one person because they lack the proper genitalia which permits them to hold the priesthood. I’ve personally had my thoughts and experiences discounted because I was not the “head of the household”. A wife’s stories of abuse should not be discounted just because she is the wife. More and more within mormonism I’m seeing this occur. Now when I say mormonism I’m referring to the Brighamite movement. 

All too often the wife is treated by ward members as a pariah since she must somehow be causing said abuse. Honestly, this idea makes me sick. It is a bunch of crap. Never is the abused to blame for being abused. They have not caused it. It is not their fault. They deserve our grace and love. 

Now I’ve written before about abuse. My own as one who was abused and as one who was an abuser. One I refuse to feel any shame for having happen. The other I have sought treatment for so I may move past those events and never repeat them. Neither is a comfortable place to rest. Both come with sorrow and pain. Both come with acceptance and forgiveness. One comes with the added need to ask for forgiveness while understanding it may never be given. That is probably the hardest part of having been the abuser. 

So where does that leave me now? It leaves me in a place where I can more clearly see an abuser because I know the mask all too well. It also means that I must work within myself to never repeat those past choices again. And when I see someone who is being abused it means I step forward and say, “Get thee hence, Satan!” 

So for the friend who is looking at the dark and feels despair I say, “I am here and you are not alone. I will walk this path with you and do all I can to keep you safe.” While you may not know this particular person (or maybe you do), please look for those who are broken in heart and in spirit because of the acts of another person. Reach out your hand and lift them up with love and support. 

If you happen to be someone in such a position of being harmed by someone who should be loving and caring for/about you, please reach out. You can visit the website for The National Domestic Violence Hotline for a phone number to reach someone who can help if you cannot trust anyone around you. They are available by phone or chat. They even have contact info for the deaf/hard of hearing community. I promise, you are not alone.