Tears ran down my face as I remembered I have friends in the Greater Orlando area. Then there was a safe status update on Facebook. Talk about relief in seeing my friends were all counted as safe. One friend, who I will not name of sake of anonymity, was injured, treated, and released. I lost no one. But people I knew had lost friends. Numerous friends. All in one fell swoop. All had their lives ended traumatically and violently.
My heart was heavy as I hopped in the shower. As I thought about all those lives gone in an instant I became overwhelmed and wept. I can't think of the last time I cried so hard about a news story. Referring to it as a news story doesn't do it justice either. There are no words which can adequately describe the events that morning. I thought about the mothers of those who died and the calls they had been receiving. The thoughts that may have crossed their minds as they received such tragic news.
I thought about the evening just over a year ago when I received a call from one of my children who lived out of state. She had been attacked when someone realized that she is a lesbian. She fought off her attacker and went to her sister, who she lived with, and told her what had happened. I know in those moments it was all I could do to just let her know I love her and am there for her the best I could be across state lines. Her sister stepped up and made sure the authorities were called and reports were made. Her attacker has never been found.
I had a hint of what these mothers and fathers are feeling. To know your child is the victim of a hate crime when the only thing they are guilt of is loving someone who just happens to have been born the same gender is heart wrenching. It's that fear that wells up in you when your child comes out to you. At least it was for me. I didn't view any of my kids as being immoral or condemned for coming out. I feared for their safety. For the parents and families of 49 people that fear became a reality.
My youngest met with some friends at the City and County building in Salt Lake on Monday evening for a candlelight vigil. She said she was surprised by the size of the crowd. She also expressed concern for her friends and the less than hospitable homes some live in along with the continued nonacceptance for who they are. I told her that her friends will always be welcome in my house. That our home is one of love and acceptance.
How does this fit into my disillusionment from mainstream Mormonism you might ask? Well, it was this "Hate the sin but love the sinner" mentality. It was the comments like "I love my sister even though she acts on her same sex attraction", "my brother is just confused right now", "my daughter/son is being turned homosexual because of the people she/he hangs out with at school". It was the "we accept you as long as you never act on you desires" and "you are only worthy if you remain celibate or marry someone of the opposite sex" that pushed me away in part.
Why? Why did these words affect me this way? Well, it might surprise a few of you out there who read this and have known me for a long time, but I am bisexual. I've never had a relationship with another woman. I've had crushes from time to time. There were even a few times I was tempted to act on my feelings towards another woman. But it was that shame factor from a lifetime of being LDS that stopped me.
This does not mean I am not happily married to my husband. He is such a huge chunk of my world as are my children. I do not regret who I am married to at all. Our personalities work well together and we approached this relationship with wide eyes open. Although I do admit when I told him I'd never acted on my attraction to other women he was shocked. But that's neither here nor there at this point. The point is, I spent years hiding. Even when people (and family) asked me straight out I denied it. I felt ashamed of who the Divine created me to be.
I'm not ashamed anymore. In the words of Lady Gaga I was born this way. I was born to be exactly who the Divine created me to be. My own choices have been made and I am grateful for every step and misstep along the way. It has led me to the place I am at now. A strong and proud mother and wife. One who isn't afraid to be me. One who has embraced her authentic self.
And when all is said and done just remember:
